Friday, October 11, 2013

GIIC


originally written on my Facebook under Notes

October 1, 2013 at 9:39am
     so, at the risk of setting myself up to look like a huge hypocrite....
i began reading The Bait of Satan by John Bevere last week. not gonna lie, watching it on the computer was easier and slightly less convicting. In the past year, my life has gone from a looking like a fairy tale on the outside to a downright nightmare on every side. There is definite fear,anger,bitterness,worry etc....and I’m not saying that i may never take to another cryptic update in a moment of sheer desperation to release some of the heartache and pressure. But i will say this: GIIC. "God is in Control".
     He saw everything that has happened and will happen b4 the foundations of the world were ever put into place. He needn't check in with us to make sure we can handle our situations or even like them and be sure-it will all come out in the end to be for His glory. Because HE is God and is worthy of that Glory and if we stay focused on Him and not the storm around us (and we will fail at this at some point) and not let others' actions and words offend us and cause bitterness, great will be our reward.
     My role models are no longer poets or super moms or close friends. They are Joseph- who though he was shown in a dream his future place of power, was robbed of his family,his name, his inheritance and his freedom and kept in a damp dark box of a dungeon for a crime he never committed- and still managed to forgive they that put him there and offer the best he had to them. Why? Because he took his eyes off of himself and the fact that he had every reason to hate and put his eyes on his Creator, and the fact that he had ever responsibility to love.

     They are David, who soothed Saul's restless spirit with music and was welcomed into his army and family, then because of jealousy was hunted like a deer for years to the point of hiding in a cave. He had more than 1 opportunity to take the life of the man that was trying to take his and instead of plotting against him and cursing him, called the man who tried to unjustly kill him "father".(1Samuel 24:11) When word of Saul's death finally came, David didn't breathr a sigh of relief,or reward the man that killed him or feel vindicated. He had the nation learn of a song of love and respect and taught them to sing it in reverence & honor.(2Samuel 1:17-27)

      But most of all, they are Jesus- who unlike US who wait for a sincere apology  before we forgive- forgave us before we could ever conceptualize that we needed it. Think about that. What if Jesus HAD waited for an apology? Not one of us born after his death and resurrection would stand a chance.HE decided on that forgiveness before his Creation ever had the chance to turn on him, and praise God for that. Forgiveness doesn't mean you suddenly don't care what the other person did. It doesn't mean everything is made back to the way it was. And it certainly doesn't mean you decide to remain in the chaos because that's what you did before and it seemed alright at the time. It simply means you release.
     Release the offender from owing you. Release yourself from guilt and shame. You release the bitterness, resentment and anger that is undoubtedly choking the life out of you and your relationship with God. Forgiveness isn't a band-aid that covers the wound, it's the air that releases the infection from eating you up. SO today, i take the first step to release it all. i don't want things the way they were. I want them better. I don't want excess, i want just enough. And I don't want revenge, i want freedom. But most of all, i want Jesus, and I want Peace. Pray for me.

Tuesday, September 17, 2013

Lamentations





It's been so long since I've expressed myself thru poetry, I wonder if i still can. The words don't come as easily and don't rhyme, and trying to get the emotion conveyed thru the right words is almost impossible. So here I will sit, and just let the words free flow thru my fingers, to the keys, from my heart and see where this literary therapy takes me.

I am very aware that anymore my whole being is wracked with pain. Like, not just metaphorically but everything-ly. My back is spasming as i "speak", twitching and throbbing from rebellious muscles and my head is heavy and -full of neverending thoughts and worries that go round and round on loop, day in, day out...at the most inopportune times. It's like I can physically feel every word of every thought of every worry and fear falling and compounding in my skull like a never ending game of Tetris...at least the game has a breaking point where the player is mercifully granted a Game Over when too much has fall upon the level.

Where do I go from here?How will I survive?Should I get another job, or struggle thru the one i have now?Should I fight to keep my dilapidated home, or walk away for the chance at a better dwelling place that will never be mine?Would it have been better to just stay and keep the cushy life in exchange for lies and disloyalty?What is really important in life?How will these children turn out?Is my decision a sin?Does God really still love me?Why can't I hear Him, if He is still speaking to me?Why did everything change in a summer?Why couldn't you just stay the same?Why is it so easy for you to fall asleep when I'm pouring out my heart and crying?Don't you know how scared I am?Does your bank account really control your emotions and feelings towards me that closely? Why can't you give me the tangible love I need?Why was it so easy then and so few and far between now?How could you make me and object of desire last year and so easily reject me night after night now?

Do you remember the burning anger you felt when I answered innocent messages from him?Do u remember when you told me you wanted to be my everything? MY EVERYTHING. Do u remember how you taught me to sever my 15 years  and verbally scolded me and fought with me and walled up yourself from me until I learned to shut him out as you requested?Do you remember my tears and apologetic requests for patience because i have never done this before, and didn't know how?Do you remember when i said i needed to do this the best way I knew how, but rushed to do it your way to prove my loyalty to you?
Can you recall me standing in the street making a tearful spectacle of myself saying I just wanted YOU and no one else and that you had to believe me?Why do you ask me to explain myself when you you respond with silence, or worse yet, your own frustration? Why do u talk to her?Why does she even have the privilege to speak to you or reminisce or ask your whereabouts or of your well being or when you are coming back?Why can't you just disregard her very existence like you asked me to do?Do you know how impossible that is?Do you realize I stay awake night after night reading of your past,thinking of your nights with her,reading her portrayed emotions of you and she and the life you once shared?Do you want to know why I do this and am so incredibly insecure?Do you?

Because when we began you said you craved from her what I try to give to you, but you don't want it. Because what you 2 shared I want for myself and I can't have it.Because our bliss was so short lived that I play out your life with her as ours, and remember a life that was never, as being. I imagine the text messages and the" i love you babes" and the when will you be home and the road trips and concerts and drinking sprees and tours and kayaking and immortalized moments posted and "liked" and parties and friends shared and nights together and flowers given and life in general and falsified sneak aways alone together and nights of heated passion and dates by the waves and the candlight music filled evenings and chilled out movie and video game get togethers...I imagine all those are ours and I cry and I ache and i hate...like really loathe that it was she and not me when i was there first, i was there all along, i saw you first and loved you first and wanted you first and last and during all the times that you had with her.

CAn you hear it?CAn you hear the desperation and pain in my words?Or are these just empty black and white digital characters on an over priced screen that she bought for you. Why do you bring up him?That you have to face him day after day and hear his voice, like staying in this hell is my personal choice?It is as much your choice as it is mine. neither of  us want to experience his existence anymore, yet neither  will leave, although your track record far outnumbers mine, as it should since you are the one with the freedom to go. i'm bound and chained by fear for my children and the last shred of my reputation that hangs by a thread. The advice i receive is given by those who have no reputation and have nothing left to lose- who don't have the pressure of leading a perfect as possible life for the sake of their offspring. they have the freedom and luxury of being f-ups and failures and leading mediocre lives. no one expects or ever expected any better from them. but i am the angel that has fallen from Grace, left tattered with broken wings and a bleeding heart, whom people still find the pleasure at pointing at and kicking while down and pointing at and making a spectacle of, all while i try and cover the innocent ones hiding beneath me.

So please be patient and forgive when i am too serious and can't take a joke, or shut down when i hear the latest of what they did wrong or how he snuck out. Forgive my fluctuating emotions, my desperate need to hold onto you as i show you the door for your own sake. Forgive my tear stained pillow and my annoying want to hear you whisper the lie  "wife" in my ear as you hold me at night. Try and understand that although i will never belittle the pain you have felt and the betrayal you have endured, that i still see you as the lucky one, because whether or not you wanted to, you were able to just walk away and all that was left behind were replaceable objects, not souls.I fully realize that what I want and need from you, you cannot give.You are unwillingly to give. 

You play the part well though. You came and made my tragedy a fairy tale again. You made me feel and believe the impossible was anything but; you woke up parts of me that had died-and worse yet, had never been brought to existence. You became my breath and my drug. Where there was hopelessness, now there was life, and chance and hope and possibility...and dreams again. So I'm sorry if I see you in a role you don't know you want, because you play the part well. I'm sorry if I long to hear them crown you with a title you don't want, because whether or not you like it, you are living it. You give to them exactly what they want and need and crave. And i know the answer to ending this madness is for you to just go back 18 chapters and disappear like you did when you graduated and become just a fond memory of what could have been, but to do that would be to remove the air from our lungs and the dreams from our sleep and the hope from our mornings. You have literally stepped into 5 lives appearing to have and want and know how to give exactly what has been prayed for for years upon years, only to halt with the overwhelming fear  and occasional revelation of you not wanting this.
You are both a blessing and a curse. You are healing and destructive. You are, at the very same time both lovingly amazing and hatefully cruel. whether you stay or go, you will destroy me, just as i asked you not to, because you don't want you portray to want and you can't be what i need you to be.

You have been the beginning and will be the end of me. And I love and hate you for it.

Friday, May 31, 2013

How can He still Care?

I Peter 5:7 says that we are to cast all our worries and anxiety on the Lord because he cares for us.  Before now, that concept seemed so easy and such a wonderful assurance to have- that i literally didn't have to worry about anything in this life because God would handle it if I just gave it over.

But now that I'm not 15 and my biggest worry isn't how I'm going to juggle excessive amounts of homework and projects at the same time, I'm wondering 2 things: 1- Does this promise still apply when you are wondering if your cares are self inflicted? and 2- Is this just the Devil trying to make me not believe that God's Word is ever true?

Being faithful to my husband was never hard and I never second guessed it. I was that supportive, ever patient wife on her knees praying for his struggles and failures to become his testimony while he peacefully slept after unloading all his guilt on me. But the night his guilt went from being about viewing smutty images to acting upon lustful desires with another tangible human being, something in me just broke. The worst part is, i really believe with my whole heart that had he come to me that same night..or since it was over a span of weeks,if he had come to me that MONTH....forgiveness and starting over could have eventually wiped the slate clean AGAIN and we'd be OK. It was the fact that for almost 6YEARS-through specific questions founded on womanly instinct, creating 3 new lives together, laughter, family vacations,hearing how glad I was that we were together and "aren't our kids blessed that they will never know divorce?", illnesses, moving 500 miles from everything we knew, nearly losing our son to death and our children to unfounded accusations of neglect- through it all i thought we were a strong team and he was keeping his secrets. I could never have done that.NEVER. The guilt would eat me alive. In fact, all thru trying to seek help and save our marriage I repeatedly told him how he was losing me.I never just sprung it on him. Weekly, sometimes daily, it was "I'm scared we're not gonna make it", "I don't feel anything when we kiss anymore" and for the first time"Not tonight". 

I suppose he thought it was just a phase. My days or weeks of functioning emotionless on auto pilot were often referred to as mental vacations or zombie mode. How unfair! I've been delivered the worst news of my life in the middle of the night while 6 months pregnant-straight outta left field- and i guess I'm supposed to keep carrying on like everything's honky dory??!!

But i never kept a secret. What I'm about to divulge is very hard to do and very personal. 3 years into it i felt like i was on the verge of giving up on life completely and needed to get away. With his permission, i did. With his permission I went to a place I've never been and was supposed to be protected by a man i never met but that John knew all about.

 This man betrayed us both and eventually at one of my lowest points during a crying fit, he kissed me. Within seconds john called from home and I told him,tearfully what had happened. He was angry, though it didn't sound so and he said he forgave me- though it wasn't my fault and i came home 2 days later. Nothing got solved or fixed on that trip. Things just seemed to get worse. john just seemed his normal self and and i was falling apart. But because the place itself was therapeutic i assumed it was the "company" that had ruined it, so again with his permission I went back months later completely alone. It was basically Disaster part 2. Severe food poisoning, missed appointments, incessant rain and humidity, a near sexual attack by my cab driver to the airport and the worst part was the insane loneliness. It ended up with me missing my flight home at the fault of the airline, being put up in a Hilton alone at 2am in the pouring rain and the next morning having roughly 5 flights home cancelled or delayed. Very long story short, i told God i was done. I didn't wanna live anymore, it was just too hard and scary and i couldn't do it. 

As I sat in the airport bawling outta fear and brokenness, God sent me an angel- again out of left field. Someone from my somewhat distant past who had meant the world to me when i was just starting out in high school, someone who i had never thought would be reading my Heart of Ruth blog or Facebook posts...someone i had never imagined I'd ever speak to again. This man stayed with me on the phone for 9hours-thru ALL the screwed up flights, listened to my whole story and not just listened, but cared. He shared his own story, which was both totally different and very much the same as mine. He prayed for me and calmed me down when I was about to lose my temper at ticket attendants. Over the next few months we were digitally inseparable. I woke up to long text messages of Bible verses and words of strength and encouragement, pictures of beautiful flowers and would receive calls and Skype messages all throughout the day making sure I was OK. This man held me together and started putting the pieces back together for me. 

And guess what? NOT ONE BIT OF IT WAS EVER KEPT SECRET. John knew it all. He encouraged it. When he wrote it off as a wonderful new friendship I let him know when it was becoming love. This man even apologized to him for falling in love with me. I have been so far emotionally and spiritually separated from the man who was once my husband, that I didn't stop to think if this was wrong or not.

I mean, what makes a marriage? Is it that piece of paper signed by you both? If so, it's a legal contract, but not a marriage. Is it the vows you take before God and the important people in your life? The respect, the honor, the faithfulness, the honesty, the intimacy and most importantly the monogamy?That's what I believed it to be and all of that I gave until death did I part. No, not physically, but with my husband's unfaithfulness I died every other way possible, and he watched it and allowed it happen.I can't speak for him and say he didn't care, I don't really know if he did or not. That's the trouble you have dealing with perpetual lying. Was any care that was shown genuine or an act?Did he even really want to be married to me, or was this new falling in love his way out? Heck, maybe he kept it quiet for so long and sprung it on me the way he did  as part of a plan to get out of the marriage. I'll never know. But all i do know is all the women in my life (and a few wonderful men) have taught me one simple truth: actions speak louder than words. He may have a cried a day or 2 for me, but was up and running after girls in chat rooms a week later.He may have suggested trying counseling again, but after being told we were too far gone, he said, "The best way i can show you i love you is to let you go and be with who you love." Not, "F off buddy, i don't care how perfect you seem. She's MY wife, WE started this together and we are gonna end it together. " Even this man said that and thinks it odd to this day.

But getting back to my original thought, was all this wrong of me?Is this why my life is so hard now. I mourn daily what I thought i had with John.He doesn't miss it or me, he's not even the same person. Or maybe this is who he always was??? I mourn teaching my children outside on warm breezy days, planning those family vacations and watching proudly as MY husband drove off to work hard for his family( nevermind finding out about the porn breaks and playing around like a 5 year old at work with his buddies.)I mourn daily the fear of never having this same life or better with the man i love.I'm embarrassed of where i work and sick of how I'm treated by customers every day that i work. I watch other families come in and enjoy their time together while I'm forced to be away from mine and work so hard for pennies. I never want to be looked at a child support gold digger, so i work really hard. I spend as much time during the day with the my kids as possible, I pay what bills I can when i can, I worry about having enough money for gas and food, i worry about my children being happy and educated and passing their grades for the year, I cry...a lot, but not usually around them. i deal with verbal abuse and racial slurs at times from customers at work. I'm in constant pain from always moving and doing. I am so tired.

Is all this punishment for falling in love with someone I didn't have a legal paper for?Am I being scorned by God for finally having had enough? Was I supposed to keep going at the risk of inadvertently teaching my children that women are objects, cheating is ok if it's forgivable and lying gets you out of trouble? Am i allowed to cast all these cares on God?Will He still take them and make it all better? Do I deserve that grace and mercy???

Saturday, May 11, 2013

The EX Factor

 




I never wanted an ex, and I have to say, that fact that I do is both very unsettling and very unfair.

I spent the majority of my childhood praying for my future husband. i prayed for his wisdom and spiritual growth, both his physical and spiritual; protection- I prayed that he would love the Lord and and not be sucked into the evils that this world has to offer masquerading as fun and normalcy. Yet here I am, scarred, scorned and burned by the very person I thought I was praying for. I was not wanted...not enough anyway. I was definitely easy to get over-apparently. One minute he's laying on the floor saying he wants to die, but that God told him he wouldn't be alone long; less than a week later he is "in love" with a chat room girl in Australia.

He fell hard, and he fell fast- all the while sharing intimate details of both our lives in order to accumulate pity. Funny thing, she ended up burning him the exact same way he did me. But as is his way, he quickly moved on to another unattainable fling that he was "so in love" with. Seriously, this guy falls in love at least once every 3 months. I'm beginning to think he has absolutely no idea what it really means to love. At any rate, # 2 didn't last either...even with all the pet names,incessant texting and inappropriate pics they sent each other( don't ask how I found out, just rest in the fact that I have now realized he is both a perv and still a liar....) and now he has moved on to #'s 3 and 4. (This basically is achieved by setting your sights on one while growing a "friendship" with another-who by the way dumped her boyfriend for him and knows his feelings for #3..this girl seems truly lame, but I have to say, I don't completely hate her yet,lol.)

I say all this because looking back, I haven't had too many romantic "movie moments". The kind of moments where you can practically hear light songs in the background. Yet he is getting them with these girls. And who I love now has gotten them in the past. But here I remain. Don't get me wrong, I have had more with who I love now then I ever had before. But I just feel so old and stupid and ugly right now. This may seem pretty shallow of me, but I am woman and am prone to those moments. As I write this, I have just about 2 hours before my night shift at my new job (head hung low, it ain't glamorous), I am covered head to ankle in either violently itchy blisters from poison ivy or the crusted scabs that healing from them are leaving me with, I have re-gained at least 20lbs that I have lost...and I have been reminded  at least 8 times in 3 days that I will be turning 32 next month.

I'm beginning to wonder when my moment will come- my vindication. At what point, if ever, will God finally raise me from the ground, dust me off and show the world that i'm His daughter again? When will those who have wronged me be punished, those who have laughed at me stand with mouths agape, when those who have believed lies learn the truth????
**********************************************************************************
This was actually written 4 days ago when i was at my lowest point this month so far. I have LOTS of these. Watching the people who have destroyed your heart and the hearts of those you love continue on blissfully down their petal laden paths is almost maddening. It's like they just get away with murder, because they did. They killed who we used to be,who we wanted to be with them. I know I am not who I want to be anymore, but I'm beginning to think that's the process. Seeds are buried deep within the earth with dirt piled upon them. They are hidden away from the light where it is dark and cold and it rains on them. This rain covers them in mud. But without that rain and the protection the darkness provides against the blistering heat of the sun, it would not be able to grow. And also, for it to grow, it cannot stay as it is. It does not get a say in what it will become. All it can do, is wait-seemingly alone for days on end-then, crack and split it's skin and give birth to new life. From within it will be given insurmountable strength to push aside the filth and cold and darkness and break through to the light and finally blossom into what it's Creator had in mind for it's life. That's why, whether it's an orchid or a redwood, it's a miracle....because quite frankly, those are the seeds that end up being put in places of awe and wonder- and it's the dandelions and weeds that get to easily and quickly sprout up anywhere the wind blows them. It's also those same plants that no one wants, and they get ripped up and mowed down again and again.



Saturday, March 23, 2013

Forward Facing Hindsight

 


You have released me from my torment
sent me soaring to places I've never found
Then in an instant it all changes
as you yank me back down.

Sometimes I swear you do it just so you can control
one last shred of your life 
that you can choose to hold or let go.

You know that you own me, from day one
I was a fool
I let you know too much too soon,well played
you were cool.

You played your hands but always keep that Ace
meanwhile I betrayed all my thoughts and hands
on my face.

They say I'm cold,distant and cruel and I wish I had become 
that way,
the very fact that I'm not has proven what they say.
I've never been here before and I don't know this road.
I've heard of it in nightmares from others who have told
of broken promises and lies and half committed hearts
and how talks of forever tear braided cords apart.

Now all I long for is the boisterous solitude
of a mundane life taken for granted
surrounded by my brood.

Tuesday, March 19, 2013

Show me the Money

                           

So I'm having a hard time this week, and trying desperately not to complain (too much at least) about it. Somewhere along the line, my stay at home status seems to have earned me the right to have to deal with people assumiong that I have no desire to work and just want a man to take care of me. You know, the whole Peg Bundy bonbon eater thing. This couldn't be further from the truth. I actually loved working when I actually did it for a paycheck. I have been a waitress in an upscale Victorian tearoom (LOVED IT!) and I have taken care of mentally disabled residents in several group homes (that could be a challenge, but also real fun) and then there was my last and most recent job of educating mother's and fathers...an the community.... on breastfeeding and the benefits of it.That one was darn near my favorite one thus far. It was a desk job, and although I'm more comfortable up and moving around, the desk did give an air of importance that I've never felt before.

Well, I'm beginning to realize the ability to work and actually generate a sustainable income while being at home for my children is becoming darn near impossible. And not from a lack of trying have I learned this. I have been and continue to sell items and services on Craigslist and eBay and Fiverr but responses are few and far between, as are people's interest. I want to be here for my children not so that I can sit around watching TV( don't have TV-I actually cancelled it to save money and because, let's be honest, is there really anything on it worth subjecting our children to anymore???) but so that i can continue being their teacher, full time parent and support. I hope this doesn't open up a can of dump on Maria, because I don't have an evil thing to say about working mothers. I was the child of a single working mother for years, and I have NOTHING but the utmost respect and awe of them and how they juggle EVERYTHING without cracking.

But I need a job, and I need one, like, yesterday. I have filled out so many applications it was like a rendition of This is your Life for me for a while. I actually loathe applications now. I find ads on Craigslist and in the paper, but most are scams or dead ends with no leads. I don't know. This is partially the reason I attempted the fast the other day. I seriously need guidance from the Lord. I need hope. I have no problem at all admitting that I am a stupid human being who has no business trying to make her own decisions for her life. I have too many people counting on me and I can't afford to fail. The only the way that that is to going to happen is if God leads me where and how I should go.


Sunday, March 17, 2013

His Strength made Perfect in my Weakness


This skinny depiction of Jesus has always annoyed me to no end. Where people got the idea that He was this wimpy,whiny effeminate guy I have no idea. I mean, he was a carpenter in the beginning of His life.                                                                                  Have you seen what the world's idea of carpenters are? : 
Clearly, He was no wimp. And He also fished with his disciples and helped them haul up a net so full of fish that it began to break. That takes some serious strength!
And even His death; any regular man-let alone the wussy version of Jesus- would have died simply from the beatings He took, but Jesus survived the beatings, the crown of thorns, the lack of sleep and hunger/dehydration that came with the Crucifixion. Personally, I think it was the suffocation that finally ended Him up there. 

This past Friday, I learned firsthand how strong and tough my Lord is when I attempted my first no eat fast.
I have done different variations of fasting before- all very hard, but extremely beneficial and spiritually amazing. The first 3 days have always been the hardest. I've done the 30 hour famine my sophomore year in high school, the fasting from TV for a week as a senior in high school and the Daniel's Fast for 11 days 2 years ago (that was unbelievable!) But things in my life right now have been so painful, so confusing and so seemingly left-to-chance that I have been praying nonstop for answers and direction from the Lord, but with no seeming answers in sight. Some days it seems like there is no hope and I'm am terrified. Other days there are nothing but options upon option but everythig hinges on something else that hinges on something else. It's an insane domino effect. It's like when we were trying to buy the house here in WV. We needed a job here to get approved for a loan, but we needed a home with an address to be able to get work. See tat vicious cycle? That's kinda where I am now.

So the other night I woke up around 4:30am from a terrifying nightmare. I have always had this reoccurring dream that this monstrous wave is building on the crest of the sea a few houses down from where we used to live in NJ and just before it breaks, I rush inside and cover my children and hold them tight and cry and pray. We can hear the roar of the waves covering the house and glimpses at the window reveal dead bodies, cars and debris floating by or submerged. It's a horrifying sight, but somehow, we are always ok.

This time my dream happened much like all the other times, except for the fact that the wave crashed through that big bay window, glass shattering all around us and my children are screaming. I see the wide eyed terror on 4 little faces, my youngest screaming for me to help her as her curly head disappears beneath the rising water. I'm alone, one child drowning, one swimming toward me, one clinging to me choking and my only son is missing.

And I am alone.

There is no one there to help me reach  my babies, and I have to try and choose, split second, which to save and which to leave in God's hands. The grief is literally breaking my heart as I awake sobbing and shaking.
I realized in that moment that I HAVE GOT to get God's attention and decided to fast. No food, for at least 7 days or until He answered me. I wrote down my top 3 questions and the signs I requested (kinda like Gideon did) to verify what the Lord wanted me to do and tucked the little paper away in my Bible. 

The first hour or so, for whatever reason my stomach was in knots and I as i prayed I got hungrier and hungrier. Then after a bit, it just stopped. I made it all day without really telling anyone, but by 10 pm I was so weak. My head was throbbing and I just fell asleep to my oldest child petting my head. I awoke around 5am Saturday more in the worst shape then I have ever been in. Dizzy, nauseous, pounding migraine, weak and slurring my words( at least it felt like I was) I tried to sit up and drink some lemon water, but it just made me feel sicker. Sobbing, I stumbled downstairs and out to the kitchen where I drank some grape juice and nibbled on slice of bread. By the time i got upstairs I thought I was dying and passed out in bed. i haven't felt that weak and flimsy since S was born.

 I woke up late yesterday and just felt so pathetic. I couldn't believe that I had given in to my flesh so easily- and when I had so many important things to get answered. I am still loathing myself, and even though I know God hears me and knows my heart, I feel like I just proved to Him why He shouldn't take my prayers seriously. 

Jesus was no joke. He was no wimp. That man went 40days and nights in the wilderness without a thing to eat or drink. Yes, He is God, but He was also man and lived for 33 years in a flesh and blood shell that felt everything we feel. He went that long with 0 sustenance, was tempted with power and riches and the chance to give in and eat and could still have the strength and presence of mind to quote Scripture back and do warfare with the Devil. I love how Matthew 4:11 says the Devil left him, and angels came and ministered to him. I wonder if that means they fed Him, or ministered to His exhausted spirit?

At any rate, I have resolved to try and do the Daniel's Fast again. At least I am seriously thinking about it. I don't think I am strong enough to go without eating ANYTHING, but I don't want to let that get in the way of hearing my Father again. I need answers, ones that only He can give.