I
think one of the biggest misconceptions we as women ( and those
sainted men out there) make when going through the decision that what we put up with is not what the Father intended for His daughters is feeling like we owe
the world an explanation and the immensity of the guilt we heap on
ourselves for "failing" or "being weak". I also think we do ourselves a
horrible injustice when we don't admit to and embrace the amount of
rage we feel inside. WE feel like we have to go on bravely, all the
time- 24/7 with a stiff upper lip...best foot forward attitude. I got
a secret for you.
IT'S OK TO EMBRACE THE RAGE.
I've spent my whole life being agreeable, non-confrontational and making light of my feelings,worries and fears. In doing what I thought was forgiving the incessant cycle of lies with the "there,there..I forgive you's" and inevitable letdowns, I did exactly what I swore I never would do: I stopped looking out for me. I have tried to dedicate my life to being the most open-minded,honest, loving,sensitive, caring person you could meet; I've heard countless times that so-and-so has never met anyone like me, that I'm an angel...that I'm different. Newsflash: I'm human on top of all that. I've been hurt and scarred, and now- I'm enraged.
I'm enraged that I was bold faced lied to from Day 1.
I'm enraged that starting a family was such a fight. I'm enraged that I saved and wasted my Innocence on one who never seemed to find the time to tell me that there were already hundreds- if not thousands- of unrealistic fantasy girls occupying my space there.
I'm enraged- Oh GOD! am I full of hurt and pain and anger!! I am infuriated with myself for feeling that my unpaid- barely recognized- 24 hour work schedule as a housewife, mother,maid,accountant,chef,taxi driver, scheduler, judge, referee, teacher, and woman of God could not hold a candle to the 12hr PAID work schedule that protected our things in my own eyes. To think that I apologized for not being a size 2 nymphomaniac with a flat belly that could be bejeweled with one of those stupid dangly navel thingies---OH! I could just slap myself.
And then, to top it all off...when the nearly 5 year long secret...the secret that I most feared but never expected came out,do you know what I did?
It was February 8,2009. It was 12:08am. I was 500 miles and 5 years away from having the privilege of hunting down that vile home-wrecking,life altering serpent. With all the shock and despair and pain and betrayal coursing through my 5½ months pregnant body, I said," I forgive you because if I don't- God won't forgive me."
I thought I was being pretty admirable and that I would be blessed by God. Some days, a lot of days, I wonder. Nights like tonight. I look back and all I see is that I tried. I tried to be what was desired. I tried to be the perfect everything- quite frankly, that's all I've ever tried to be. As perfect as possible. I'm not.
I
rage. I cry. I sin. I give up, then give up giving up in order to try
again the next day. But it all fell apart. Nights like tonight I
wonder why God has allowed me to see what life would have been like
had I married a man that could admit to his faults, but still love me
unconditionally; who in genuinely seeking the grace and favor of his
Father in Heaven daily would fight and conquer the same struggles
with routine success. And for what? A tease? A taste at what actually
having the answers to my prayers feels like? Why have the desires of
my heart been dangled in front of me and ripped away over and over
again? Why aren't I allowed to be happy?
I am raging, with every pound of these poor undeserving keys, I release the pent up hurt and fear and disappointments... the disappointments in my life, (forgive me Father) in God, but mostly in myself. I have nothing to blame God for and I know that. He allows the "sun to rise on the evil and the good, and sends rain on the righteous and the unrighteous."(Matthew 5:45) I probably have been blessed more times when I ought not have been. But I'm flesh as well as soul and I am hurting so badly right now. I'm so tired of being told I'm strong when it feels like every day I'm just minutes away from losing it. I'm tired of having so many open ended options to so many of the most frightening problems in my life- yet there are absolutely no solutions at all in sight.I'm tired of being told what I need to do and where I need to go, but no one can help me achieve these things, not in ways that remove the insecurity and fears of failure. I can't afford to fail. Not with my babies counting on me.
I need something to give me HOPE. Finding just that small something to give me a reason to keep hoping, a reason to keep trying....something that says "even though its not right now, your joy,your happiness....your storms end.... it will happen someday". I need to know that my life's verse is Jeremiah 29:11 and that it won't always be Psalms 119:25.
Now it is nearly 3am and I'm exhausted. I've gotten some of the poison out of my heart and at least feel like I can collapse in bed and have some kind of sleep, if not actual rest. I was able to embrace the rage, without sinning. I'd like to say I didn't let the sun go down while I was angry, since at sunset I was technically at least appearing ok. The rage didn't come forth until well after midnight...so I'm letting the moon set on my wrath. I know. That's weak, but did you really expect me to crack jokes at 3am after all that?
I
probably should have warned you that my life is an open book and I am
very VERY real. You should go read my blog The
Heart of Ruth to see what I'm like when I'm on my spiritual game
( so to speak) and not so despairing. It goes back quite a bit- and
if you get some restriction window that pops up from social iq, just
X out of it. I don't know why it keeps popping up, but that should be
a temporary fix. With that, I'm off to try and fall asleep without
crying, and pray God gives me a word for someone soon. Since
tonight was about allowing yourself to be angry, I'm hoping to get the
right words together to allow yourself to smile as well.
Good
night.
