Tuesday, September 17, 2013
It's been so long since I've expressed myself thru poetry, I wonder if i still can. The words don't come as easily and don't rhyme, and trying to get the emotion conveyed thru the right words is almost impossible. So here I will sit, and just let the words free flow thru my fingers, to the keys, from my heart and see where this literary therapy takes me.
I am very aware that anymore my whole being is wracked with pain. Like, not just metaphorically but everything-ly. My back is spasming as i "speak", twitching and throbbing from rebellious muscles and my head is heavy and -full of neverending thoughts and worries that go round and round on loop, day in, day out...at the most inopportune times. It's like I can physically feel every word of every thought of every worry and fear falling and compounding in my skull like a never ending game of Tetris...at least the game has a breaking point where the player is mercifully granted a Game Over when too much has fall upon the level.
Where do I go from here?How will I survive?Should I get another job, or struggle thru the one i have now?Should I fight to keep my dilapidated home, or walk away for the chance at a better dwelling place that will never be mine?Would it have been better to just stay and keep the cushy life in exchange for lies and disloyalty?What is really important in life?How will these children turn out?Is my decision a sin?Does God really still love me?Why can't I hear Him, if He is still speaking to me?Why did everything change in a summer?Why couldn't you just stay the same?Why is it so easy for you to fall asleep when I'm pouring out my heart and crying?Don't you know how scared I am?Does your bank account really control your emotions and feelings towards me that closely? Why can't you give me the tangible love I need?Why was it so easy then and so few and far between now?How could you make me and object of desire last year and so easily reject me night after night now?
Do you remember the burning anger you felt when I answered innocent messages from him?Do u remember when you told me you wanted to be my everything? MY EVERYTHING. Do u remember how you taught me to sever my 15 years and verbally scolded me and fought with me and walled up yourself from me until I learned to shut him out as you requested?Do you remember my tears and apologetic requests for patience because i have never done this before, and didn't know how?Do you remember when i said i needed to do this the best way I knew how, but rushed to do it your way to prove my loyalty to you?
Can you recall me standing in the street making a tearful spectacle of myself saying I just wanted YOU and no one else and that you had to believe me?Why do you ask me to explain myself when you you respond with silence, or worse yet, your own frustration? Why do u talk to her?Why does she even have the privilege to speak to you or reminisce or ask your whereabouts or of your well being or when you are coming back?Why can't you just disregard her very existence like you asked me to do?Do you know how impossible that is?Do you realize I stay awake night after night reading of your past,thinking of your nights with her,reading her portrayed emotions of you and she and the life you once shared?Do you want to know why I do this and am so incredibly insecure?Do you?
Because when we began you said you craved from her what I try to give to you, but you don't want it. Because what you 2 shared I want for myself and I can't have it.Because our bliss was so short lived that I play out your life with her as ours, and remember a life that was never, as being. I imagine the text messages and the" i love you babes" and the when will you be home and the road trips and concerts and drinking sprees and tours and kayaking and immortalized moments posted and "liked" and parties and friends shared and nights together and flowers given and life in general and falsified sneak aways alone together and nights of heated passion and dates by the waves and the candlight music filled evenings and chilled out movie and video game get togethers...I imagine all those are ours and I cry and I ache and i hate...like really loathe that it was she and not me when i was there first, i was there all along, i saw you first and loved you first and wanted you first and last and during all the times that you had with her.
CAn you hear it?CAn you hear the desperation and pain in my words?Or are these just empty black and white digital characters on an over priced screen that she bought for you. Why do you bring up him?That you have to face him day after day and hear his voice, like staying in this hell is my personal choice?It is as much your choice as it is mine. neither of us want to experience his existence anymore, yet neither will leave, although your track record far outnumbers mine, as it should since you are the one with the freedom to go. i'm bound and chained by fear for my children and the last shred of my reputation that hangs by a thread. The advice i receive is given by those who have no reputation and have nothing left to lose- who don't have the pressure of leading a perfect as possible life for the sake of their offspring. they have the freedom and luxury of being f-ups and failures and leading mediocre lives. no one expects or ever expected any better from them. but i am the angel that has fallen from Grace, left tattered with broken wings and a bleeding heart, whom people still find the pleasure at pointing at and kicking while down and pointing at and making a spectacle of, all while i try and cover the innocent ones hiding beneath me.
So please be patient and forgive when i am too serious and can't take a joke, or shut down when i hear the latest of what they did wrong or how he snuck out. Forgive my fluctuating emotions, my desperate need to hold onto you as i show you the door for your own sake. Forgive my tear stained pillow and my annoying want to hear you whisper the lie "wife" in my ear as you hold me at night. Try and understand that although i will never belittle the pain you have felt and the betrayal you have endured, that i still see you as the lucky one, because whether or not you wanted to, you were able to just walk away and all that was left behind were replaceable objects, not souls.I fully realize that what I want and need from you, you cannot give.You are unwillingly to give.
You play the part well though. You came and made my tragedy a fairy tale again. You made me feel and believe the impossible was anything but; you woke up parts of me that had died-and worse yet, had never been brought to existence. You became my breath and my drug. Where there was hopelessness, now there was life, and chance and hope and possibility...and dreams again. So I'm sorry if I see you in a role you don't know you want, because you play the part well. I'm sorry if I long to hear them crown you with a title you don't want, because whether or not you like it, you are living it. You give to them exactly what they want and need and crave. And i know the answer to ending this madness is for you to just go back 18 chapters and disappear like you did when you graduated and become just a fond memory of what could have been, but to do that would be to remove the air from our lungs and the dreams from our sleep and the hope from our mornings. You have literally stepped into 5 lives appearing to have and want and know how to give exactly what has been prayed for for years upon years, only to halt with the overwhelming fear and occasional revelation of you not wanting this.
You are both a blessing and a curse. You are healing and destructive. You are, at the very same time both lovingly amazing and hatefully cruel. whether you stay or go, you will destroy me, just as i asked you not to, because you don't want you portray to want and you can't be what i need you to be.
You have been the beginning and will be the end of me. And I love and hate you for it.