Thursday, June 5, 2014
I just had the most surreal moment of my life here in WV. I'm not crazy, but I believe God spoke to me-not audibly, but like he used to...in a sensation or a feeling...like a memory's voice...distant but very sure.
I've been watching Joan of Arcadia, this show about a girl who can see and talk to God. He gives her these assignments that seemingly have nothing to do with anything and quite frankly bother her, but somehow in the end she can see how he was teaching her and leading her thru all her mistakes and lack of faith. At any rate, I was watching this when I had to take a potty break. As I was finishing up I got that distant memory feeling, but it led me to walk around the house in the still of the night. From the livingroom,to the diningroom, past opened doors where loved ones slept soundly and into the kitchen...where I stopped and gazed out my window. I don't know what happened, but all of a sudden I just began to weep. I can't explain why, it just felt right. Then something happened.
I was drawn out to my backyard- this yard that once was the only thing about this house that I loved, and was destroyed and muddy and barren of grass and life, and all of a suddenly began to literally feel God. I looked around and began to see life. Grass is filling in where muddy potholes once riddled the yard.
This empty pit that once filled with garbage when we moved in now holds wooden pallets and the potential to house our much anticipated laying hens.
This tree that technically is supposed to be mine but due to a surveying issue is now my neighbors, it was blowing so slightly in the cool misty breeze, and for some reason it was then that I realized something-everything that I love and miss about my home in NJ isn't just the beach and the people and the familiarity...it's God,it's freedom....it's LIFE.
The light of these amazing bayside sunsets, the cry of the gulls, the call of whippoorwills in the darkness and the cool sand under my feet...these all are filled with LIFE, filed with God's love for me. It's like even though I know He created all these beautifully wonderful thing for all of us and for his own pleasure, it was like He made certain ones just for me, because He loves me-to let me know He literally is everywhere.
I told him I understand now. I told him it wasn't home that I missed, it was Him. It's the closeness of our relationship when I was a child, no matter how alone I was or bad things got I could always feel him and know He was there and talk to Him like he was flesh and blood beside me. I never wondered where he was. Now that I'm grown, that's all I've done is wonder. Does He love me still?Am I huge disappointment in His eyes?Will things really ever get better like I keep getting told? With every word i spoke towards the sky, the breeze increased and the leaves in this tree went from rustling to full on blowing a few at a time off the branches.
I have no doubt anymore. I felt my Father, my Comfort and my Best Friend. I promised Him that I would try harder this time, that now I know the enemy's tactics against me-I understand he has been using the same plans of attack against my weak points and I have crumbled and fallen, even when forewarned in a dream 5 years ago. But I got it this time:When I sense my Father telling me to go this way or that I'll go without hesitation. When He gently warns me something is a trap I won't give my mind a chance to second guess it and relearn mistrust of my God's voice. And when I fall, because I will, I asked him already in advance to forgive me and pick me back up and set me straight.I told him I will do better this time, that I love Him- that I am SO in love with Him.
This is what I wanted this blog to be about originally. Faith in God that births Hope when everything is wrong and after seasons of healing that Hope in God for yourself blossoms into this intense and matchless Love for others. The remaining 3. The only 3 things that last when everything else falls apart:Faith,Hope and Love. The greatest of these has to be Love, because God is Love and nothing and no one is greater than Him. I never wanted this blog to be as dark and scary as it has been...but that is my journey. In reading each entry, you walked with me on this insane path through a portion of my darkest moments in LIFE towards this open field of understanding and the remaining 3. Dark days will come again, but prayerfully not stay as long as it has prior. It's 4:53am and while the town of Spencer sleeps,I write what I've learned to the tune of the Dawn Chorus of the early morning birds.And despite things still not being perfect, my 9th straight day of no sleep and my loneliness for the natural love and daily affection of a mate- I can say something I haven't been able to say in ages.
I am happy.