His Strength made Perfect in my Weakness

This skinny depiction of Jesus has always annoyed me to no end. Where people got the idea that He was this wimpy,whiny effeminate guy I have no idea. I mean, he was a carpenter in the beginning of His life.                                                                                  Have you seen what the world's idea of carpenters are? : 
Clearly, He was no wimp. And He also fished with his disciples and helped them haul up a net so full of fish that it began to break. That takes some serious strength!
And even His death; any regular man-let alone the wussy version of Jesus- would have died simply from the beatings He took, but Jesus survived the beatings, the crown of thorns, the lack of sleep and hunger/dehydration that came with the Crucifixion. Personally, I think it was the suffocation that finally ended Him up there. 

This past Friday, I learned firsthand how strong and tough my Lord is when I attempted my first no eat fast.
I have done different variations of fasting before- all very hard, but extremely beneficial and spiritually amazing. The first 3 days have always been the hardest. I've done the 30 hour famine my sophomore year in high school, the fasting from TV for a week as a senior in high school and the Daniel's Fast for 11 days 2 years ago (that was unbelievable!) But things in my life right now have been so painful, so confusing and so seemingly left-to-chance that I have been praying nonstop for answers and direction from the Lord, but with no seeming answers in sight. Some days it seems like there is no hope and I'm am terrified. Other days there are nothing but options upon option but everythig hinges on something else that hinges on something else. It's an insane domino effect. It's like when we were trying to buy the house here in WV. We needed a job here to get approved for a loan, but we needed a home with an address to be able to get work. See tat vicious cycle? That's kinda where I am now.

So the other night I woke up around 4:30am from a terrifying nightmare. I have always had this reoccurring dream that this monstrous wave is building on the crest of the sea a few houses down from where we used to live in NJ and just before it breaks, I rush inside and cover my children and hold them tight and cry and pray. We can hear the roar of the waves covering the house and glimpses at the window reveal dead bodies, cars and debris floating by or submerged. It's a horrifying sight, but somehow, we are always ok.

This time my dream happened much like all the other times, except for the fact that the wave crashed through that big bay window, glass shattering all around us and my children are screaming. I see the wide eyed terror on 4 little faces, my youngest screaming for me to help her as her curly head disappears beneath the rising water. I'm alone, one child drowning, one swimming toward me, one clinging to me choking and my only son is missing.

And I am alone.

There is no one there to help me reach  my babies, and I have to try and choose, split second, which to save and which to leave in God's hands. The grief is literally breaking my heart as I awake sobbing and shaking.
I realized in that moment that I HAVE GOT to get God's attention and decided to fast. No food, for at least 7 days or until He answered me. I wrote down my top 3 questions and the signs I requested (kinda like Gideon did) to verify what the Lord wanted me to do and tucked the little paper away in my Bible. 

The first hour or so, for whatever reason my stomach was in knots and I as i prayed I got hungrier and hungrier. Then after a bit, it just stopped. I made it all day without really telling anyone, but by 10 pm I was so weak. My head was throbbing and I just fell asleep to my oldest child petting my head. I awoke around 5am Saturday more in the worst shape then I have ever been in. Dizzy, nauseous, pounding migraine, weak and slurring my words( at least it felt like I was) I tried to sit up and drink some lemon water, but it just made me feel sicker. Sobbing, I stumbled downstairs and out to the kitchen where I drank some grape juice and nibbled on slice of bread. By the time i got upstairs I thought I was dying and passed out in bed. i haven't felt that weak and flimsy since S was born.

 I woke up late yesterday and just felt so pathetic. I couldn't believe that I had given in to my flesh so easily- and when I had so many important things to get answered. I am still loathing myself, and even though I know God hears me and knows my heart, I feel like I just proved to Him why He shouldn't take my prayers seriously. 

Jesus was no joke. He was no wimp. That man went 40days and nights in the wilderness without a thing to eat or drink. Yes, He is God, but He was also man and lived for 33 years in a flesh and blood shell that felt everything we feel. He went that long with 0 sustenance, was tempted with power and riches and the chance to give in and eat and could still have the strength and presence of mind to quote Scripture back and do warfare with the Devil. I love how Matthew 4:11 says the Devil left him, and angels came and ministered to him. I wonder if that means they fed Him, or ministered to His exhausted spirit?

At any rate, I have resolved to try and do the Daniel's Fast again. At least I am seriously thinking about it. I don't think I am strong enough to go without eating ANYTHING, but I don't want to let that get in the way of hearing my Father again. I need answers, ones that only He can give.

Dream,Hope and choosing JOY

How quickly things can change, literally in an instant.

I was sitting in the woods today absolutely fuming at something that I'm sure will have escaped my memory in the coming months and I began to look over my life- but more specifically the past year. So much has happened and I have been put through so much that I can hardly believe that I am still sane.Maybe my sanity is still in question, who knows?

I have spent the past 12 months devastated at losing my best friend to mistrust and lies, feeling completely worthless as a woman and a failure at being the rock of a mother my children need, fighting panic attacks at the frightening realization that for the first time in my life I must be a sole provider/teacher/friend/entertainer/comfort and confidant to these 4 precious souls; I have fallen in love again and stupidly allowed another flesh and blood man to gain my fragile and tattered trust, realized that even though we are all different and unique we are also all ironically the same;I have cried,laughed,raged,questioned,feared,worried,prayed ,given up and continued on. 
I have felt defeated and crushed but at the same time allowed myself to hope and dream.
I dream that my love of writing ends up slowly creating a ripple effect that happens to touch hundreds, or maybe even thousands of lives for the better. 
I dream that my little hobby of photography somehow earns me enough money to purchase a real professional camera, and the pictures of the ordinary things in life invoke such a sense of beauty and emotion in people that I end up becoming a well known and sought after photographer.
I dream of somehow managing to save up enough money to put 20% down on this beautifully modest home here in West Virginia- the one that I found online today  that sits on a 10½ acre piece of land that boasts a barn and 3 separate storage buildings; I dream of my children playing tag and hide and seek among the tall grass and only their shrieks and giggles at being found can be heard over the crickets chirping and bullfrogs groaning.
 I dream that they grow up unscathed and almost better now then they would have been had everything remained the same. Although there are moments where I seem delusional, even to myself, I continue to allow myself to dream. Why couldn't it happen? Why couldn't miracle after miracle happen for me and my little family? Why couldn't it all work out and I finally get my life's happy ending? Isn't that, afterall, what Hope does?
The night that I started this particular blog, I knew in my heart- that even as tears flowed freely and scowls of resentment twisted across my face subconsciously while I typed away- even then I knew that I wanted this blog to be more than a place where I rant and rave and cry. My writings have never meant to be just about me, but rater to use me and my life's moments for the betterment of others. The Heart of Ruth was all about that, and even though it never became this mega-blog with throngs of eager followers, I consider it my greatest literary success. Now I want to try and continue that legacy that I started, even as I go through this new chapter in my life. I want to do my best to use my fears and failures to bring Hope and the ability to continue to Dream big to those who feel they shouldn't or can't allow themselves the privilege of doing so for themselves. The remaining 3 remain for a reason, and I intend on choosing JOY. Maybe not always immediately or easily, but rather eventually. Even if I never get to live my dreams, at least I tried to be JOYful while pursuing them.

Stupid Cupid

I have officially come to the decision that I am a complete and utter idiot. Either that or I am a magnet for pain.

Ever since I was a little girl, holidays have been an intricate and anxiously awaited part of my life. Every year, my my grandmother would have me or my grandfather climb up into the attic with all it's distant memories and familiar smells to retrieve a box for the upcoming holiday. Easter had painted egg wall hangings and obnoxiously colored wicker baskets with leftover plastic grass; Christmas gave way to the giant plastic manager scene and a cardboard fireplace from the 70's that was riddled with thumbtack holes from "hanging the stockings gently with care" for decades. 

And then there was Valentine's Day.

Red,white and pink overtook the house for a week before til the day after. Hearts and lace and Victorian Scripted "I love you"'s everywhere. My grandfather would proudly have flowers delivered to our house for my Nan and waiting for the florist van to pull up for her was as exciting as waiting for Christmas Eve to give birth to early Christmas morning. Every year she acted as surprised and thankful as she probably genuinely was the first time he did it for her. My grandparents set the stage for how I was to view holidays for the rest of my life.

Which is why I blame them entirely for my yearly heartache and disappointments in these stupid time honored celebration of certain days. I grew into womanhood with the expectation woven throughout my being that someday there would be my loving husband, on Christmas and my birthday and Valentine's Day, our anniversary and Mother's Day, dutifully hearing my wishes and desires throughout the year and lovingly allowing me to cross each and every one off my mental list over time. To me, the love of a man towards his wife was more than just providing a shelter and utilities for his family, it was going the extra mile to do things he didn't necessarily want to do or enjoy because in the end, her smile and her feeling valued above all other women( if even for a moment during a holiday) was reflected in his smile and it bonded them together. Well, I got news for you. 
It's all hooey.
This is what I've learned of holidays and their correlation to love since 1999.

1. No man innately wants to do romantic things for his woman.It is purely a ruse- a type of primal hunting,if you will-  to shoot down the female of his choosing so he can drag her off and say he was man enough to get her. He was just that good-that romantic- that she couldn't help herself. Ladies, once he has you...it's over. Your romantic dreams will now have to be scaled down tremendously from once dreaming of candlelit dinners and hotel getaways to settling for lukewarm meals you coked and compromising on a movie/tv program that you don't mind and he loves.
2. "Just Because" gifts exist just because you watched a stupid romance comedy and some underpaid script writer gave the heroine in the film that moment that she didn't actually deserve, and now you in real life are hooked on having that same moment, sans script writer. Good luck with that.
3. Holidays are rooted in evil. No matter how you spin it, when you break down the word you get "holy" and "days". I fully believe that you are responsible for what you know and so now, thanks to this new-found knowledge, there is a whole lot of guilt and inner turmoil for me. I was reared in the joys of celebrating holidays and now I discover that it was all wrong. I have learned that as a Christian there are 7 Holidays in the Bible that God only ever mentioned to be celebrated and observed, none of which include a tree or wall hangings or gift giving. In case you were curious these holidays are :

• Passover
•  First and Last Day of the Feast of Unleavened Bread
• The Day of Pentecost
• The Feast of Trumpets
•   The Day of Atonement
• The Feast of Tabernacles (The Feast of Booths)
• The Great Last Day

I never EVER want to downplay or ignore the importance of celebrating the days that I as a Christian am even allowed/expected to keep observed.But how am I supposed to do that so easily when I wasn't taught this and in fact was taught completely backwards?And on top of that, I am now rearing my children the same way, but confusing the heck out of them because of my new knowledge and being torn between what I know to be right and the things I was taught to hold dear. So thank you Pop,Nan and Mom...for instilling in me a love of generational misinformation and supposedly evil doing.

Look, this little corner of the electrical universe was never meant to just be a daily or close to daily tirade about woe is me and how miserable am I. Truth be told, I do actually have good days. I do laugh-believe it or not I have a pretty intense belly laugh that has caused quite a few headaches. I find beauty in things around, hence the photography page on here that I'm working on. It's just that i also have had an awful lot of really bad and painful things to go through in my life., and when it gets to the point where you have a hard time remembering the days with a smile because the bad days outnumber them or you miss them so much you wanna cry, you need to vent somewhere. Since I have no "right there in front of me" tangible friends that I cry with or on, I blog. I used to be such an encourager and I've always been a great listener. But now, now it's my season for needing to be listened to and needing an encourager. I'm in a lot of pain. I get angry and frustrated at my life and how it twists and turns, and rarely in my favor anymore. I'm angry that there seems to be no end in sight to all the pain and bad and that the people I love around me are going through their own pain and bad and I can't ease it or make it stop.
     This blog was meant to be a safe place to vent and to find the 3 things that remain...Faith,Hope and Love....because they are the only 3 that ever do. Even when your faith feels like it's gone, you know it isn't if you are able to keep hoping and finding away to open your eyes and get out of bed. Heck, there have been days where my act of faith was to open my swollen tear filled eyes in the morning and just stare. It was like my hearts little act of defiance against just wanting to be dead. Faith and hope shall always remain. Love, well the world's idea of love comes and goes. But true Love always remains, never changes, and will always always continue.....because God is Love.
Hey, i actually ended on a good note!

Nothing, I'm just Tired

 One of the most painful parts of going through circumstances like mine is the remembrance of when things were better- days when there was laughter, nights filled with snuggling and feeling loved and needed....like the one who laid beside me could never function an hour without my love and affection.I felt so loved, I felt so valued and treasured. Going to bed angry was absurd.

Now, the reason I say that the remembrance of these things are so painful, aren't just because I don't feel these anymore- but because I can distinctly remember the night I realized that these memories were all false. I was kneeling on the floor in the dark at the foot of my bed; my whole world had just crumbled around me an hour prior and my destroyer lay snoring peacefully in bed, having unloaded years and years worth of secrets and guilt on me out of nowhere. Every good feeling and every moment of  Wow, I'm am the luckiest woman alive was based on something that never existed. I had been in love with a lie that had masqueraded as reality from the very beginning.That's what hurts the most.

I can remember being looked at in intimate moments with so much desire, never realizing at that moment I was not the one that was being seen. Fights never happened and angry bedtimes didn't exist because I held my tongue so hard some nights I could almost taste blood. Simple requests were overlooked or forgotten and I carried on, sometimes feeling unimportant and when I finally demanded things that others receive so freely, they still were not meant to be and I would just shake my head and sigh it away. As long as I didn't complain too much or rock the boat, we were a happy family. The children could laugh and feel secure and memories could be made.

Now it's my time to be "selfish". Right here, at 2am...I make no apologies and I just don't care. Right now, I don't care what anyone thinks, how they take what I am about to write....I will worry about that tomorrow.Or maybe the next day.So here it goes.....

I have had it. 

I am broken and I am tired and I have had it. I am a freaking human being. I get just as tired as the next person and I demand the same respect and rest time and help as anybody in my situation would. I am sick of being the only to do laundry and organize piles of clothing that are sky high. I am fed up with being the only one who can replace an empty toilet paper roll for everyone else's convenience but there is never one there for me. I am tired of cooking meals for people who are unappreciative and nit pick it apart from the way it looks to the way they "know" it tastes without ever even trying it. I am sick of everyone boo hooing about their lack of comfort when their level of comfort is something I crave. To wake and sit in front of a video game or computer or TV with my eyes glazing over....to have a hot plate of breakfast and a cold cup of coffee is something I have to wait for a holiday for to enjoy. To just decide, Eh-I don't see those toys strewn about or the spill on the table or the muddy paw prints tracked through the house. I'm gonna lock myself in my room, drop the curtain and let someone else deal with it- for me would be lunacy but for other's it's called Monday-Sunday.

I have had it.

I have been robbed of time. And dignity. And respect. I have to lend an ear and endure long conversations about others' woes and  insignificant hardships and heartaches while the very fabric of my sanity somedays is barely a thread's worth. I have to pull pieces of myself apart like string cheese to this one and be a loving daughter, and these 4 to be a strong and capable mother, and this one to be a true and loyal friend and this one to be a patient and knowledgeable teacher, and this one to be a good-natured and sweet....whatever the heck I am, and this One to be a pure and blemish free servant.

 I CAN'T DO IT!!!!!!

Ya wanna know what I want? I want to wake up every morning in someone's arms and hear Good Morning my Love and get sweet kisses. I want equal distribution of housework, and not it all put on me, along with educating the children, and making and cleaning up the meals, and cleaning up every mess I see, and raising the children alone and breaking up fights and disagreements and remembering what bill is due when and staying up til 4am trying to make finances balance and appease demanding debtors, and getting up to the minute reports on which- kid- did- what- thing- you- don't- like on top of texts starting out with "If you're not busy" or "Could you do me a favor?"....

When the Hades am I not busy?!

I want what every girl wants and deserves. I want compliments and lots of them. I've been stress eating and I'm too poor to go to the gym and I wanna know that I'm still beautiful to someone other than my 3year old. I want gifts- and not just scribbled drawings and yarn necklaces. (Do you know I lost a yarn necklace tonight? It was made by 7 year old daughter for me for Valentine's Day, because even she knows I never get anything on that day. She gave it to me early a few days ago to cheer me up because I had been crying about something. And do you know I bawled when I couldn't find it? What 30 something woman goes sobbing hysterically to a 7 year old to ask for forgiveness for losing a pink yarn necklace?? ME! While her father stood there asking what's the big deal? You're acting like some died, right there in front of of her!!  Really?!

I don't care if holidays are pagan or commercialized or whatever the new reason is I have to get used to killing the natural excitement and anticipation of days where every other woman is spoiled....if it's on the calender and I grew up celebrating it, I want it to continue. A freaking handwritten note. A stolen flower from a wild hedge by my pillow. A $5 necklace that I can treat like a string of diamonds. Yes, i sound like a spoiled brat and like I said at the beginning- I don't care. Anyone who comes into my life is going to have exes that will have experienced and received things I never have and never will.That's not fair. Anyone who comes into my ex's life will get to experience and receive things I didn't.That's not fair. I will always either have arrived too late or have been the lesson learned from, but never the one babied.

I have spent my ENTIRE life caring and worrying about others' feelings, and what are they going to think and what are they going to say. The devil with my feelings and what I may say. No one replays their words in their heads for my comfort level, so screw it. Like the saying goes, If people can't handle me at my worst, they don't deserve me at my best. I can say with full confidence there is not one person under my roof who is hurting as much or is as scared or screwed or uncomfortable or jipped or robbed or broken or angry or whatever as me. I based my whole future, my happiness, my trust, my sanity, my security and my strength on something that NEVER EXISTED. Take everything you have been taught and known to be true...your very foundation and discover it was all a lie and then try giving your all and function properly and that's where I am. And you know what? I think all things considered, I'm doing a d@!* good job.

So, tirade over. GASP! I'm human. Welcome to a sliver of what goes on in my head when I'm not speaking. So just remember people, the next time you ask a woman, "What's wrong?" -you better actually care and be willing to hear it all....You may have no idea what's behind her casual,Nothing. I'm just tired.

Nightly Ponder

I have no idea where to begin.

      I just spent the better part of the night watching old shows that I grew up on, laughing and talking with someone I love dearly. But then the silence came- that silence that I crave all day long. Through the thumping of doors slamming shut and children's calls to each other from room to room, the worry of near empty bank accounts being squeezed of every last penny to appease the bill people , the pouring rain that has overtaken the forecasted sunny day...through all of the chaos and frustration and playtime and teachings I crave this silence; now that it's here, it scares me.

     I'm not sure I like it, especially when I'm the only one awake. I take my sleepy toddler by the hand and guide her back to her warm well blanketed bed, and it feels so good to have someone holding my hand in the darkness. Most nights, I am up and down correcting overwound children, or the ones with the bad dreams or who saw the scary shadows. It is during these times that I hear the silence. The faint snore coming from a distant bedroom; the rush of the wind outside like a train whizzing by; the whimper of our dogs twitching on the couch, dreaming of endless outdoor play. But it is also during these times that the reality of what is my reality hits me like a smack in the face and it doesn't matter that I was laughing and reminiscing just a few hours earlier- I am immediately pulled towards fear and the tears overtake me. It is in this darkness and silence that I see and feel in the physical world exactly what I cannot see but still feel in the spiritual one. 

     I used to feel as though I was so on track with the Lord and I resented my angelic reputation. I hated that the people I just wanted to simply talk to and get to know never wanted to give me a second thought or just a chance at a real friendship because they assumed I would look down from my pedestal at them and make them feel the way I feel people make me feel now. The saddest part is, I never would have. That is not who I am, and I never gave that indication.

     Now I'm stumbling around in darkness, crying out for my Father to hear me, to answer my call, to give me some guidance and direction. I know it is evil to ask for signs, but how else can I really know that something is from the Lord and not the Devil appearing as an Angel of Light? How do I know that everything that I was taught before wasn't wrong or askew or a mistake- based on generational misinformation? The only thing that I cling to is the Word, and even that has been twisted and misinterpreted a thousand ways by both well meaning and evil pastors and elders.I don't want to fall away- not now, not when the end is so very close. It's not fair, that if I was going the right way throughout the race that now I get lost and   lose my sense of direction.My soul can't afford to to be lost.

     And even now, in this evil physical realm I am forced to face utter failure. Fears that I have never once worried about have become my daily torment.There is no money. There is no way to provide for myself and my children without the help that isn't there. There is no emotional comfort- just daily spits in the face, so to speak. Things I craved and begged and asked for-humiliated at having to grovel for- are so freely given to another who has not had to endure what I have, who has not been put through the humiliation I have and who has not been there time and again and again forgiving and being let down in a vicious self destructive cycle. I watch my children try so desperately to get what should just be an honour to give to them, and now I have to dispense it twice as much to fill the void.The fact of the matter is, now I have to continue on in this world with no support or security by my side while others get to go and play like they are air-headed teenagers again.While they put in their paid allotted 8 hours and come home to video games and private giddy phone calls, I put in my thankless,never ending 24 hours of educating, and meal planning and budgeting and bill paying, and smooth talking debtors and fears, and 3am nightmares and 4am potty runs and checking measly online auctions praying to God another memory I have put up for sale has been bought by a stranger so that I can make ends meet and squirrel away for an uncertain and frighteningly lonely  future.

    So there I sit, by my window on the floor looking out at the darkened town. I wonder how many people in the houses that I am looking at are sleeping soundly and how many feel the way I do right now and are being robbed of their only peaceful time? I wonder if my entire life has been set up for something miraculous just before the end, or just a set up? Is all this torment for my eventual good, or will I just die a pathetic creature with a lot of wasted potential and a legacy left behind for someone else to learn from? Will this blog ever reach anyone? Does anyone even read it? No one ever comments. No donations are made. I read these articles of Joe Schmoes who took a risk and put everything out there and their blogs just blew up with fans and readers and people who care. I have never once done anything in order to get rich, but it would be nice to know that my thoughts and feelings are just screams from my heart that echo as whispers into nothingness. It would be a miracle to know that I matter in this world.That there is a chance my pathetic life could touch or entertain people enough to make a difference in their own lives. I want to matter.

     I don't want to walk alone in the dark anymore.

Cry to the Heavens

Lord,
How do these 3 remain- faith,hope and love?
How do you have the faith to continue hoping( or is it how do you hope to continue having faith?) when love has scorned you? How do you not just stop believing in all things good and hopeful, when love doesn't remember you anymore, when love forgets everything you have been put through and endured and sacrificed for it? How do you keep your heart- the very wellspring of your life- from being swallowed up by hatred and malice and letting it freeze over rock hard so that nothing and no one can ever break it again?
God, I don't understand. I don't understand why You allowed me to go through the things I've gone through. Why when I prayed for a father( because my own didn't want me) did You bring a verbally abusive alcoholic into my life to be the representation of what a father is to his children?Why did You take my perfect loving little family of 4 and rip 2 of the most loving people away from me within a mere 5 days? Why was I left to raise myself?
Why, when I saved myself for all those years for that one deserving man(that I was taught to pray for from toddler hood) did You send me a man that already had mentally known hundreds-possibly thousands- of women already? You know how much I've hated my body, my very exterior. How could anyone love me for who I truly am, and not just what I look like? Why did You send me a liar who kept lying to me from the moment he met me; a man, who stood before You and all our friends and all our family and swore vows of allegiance and loyalty to only me in front of You--only to find those vows never meant a thing. Those vows that were so easily pushed aside and forgotten for a stranger who had no intentions of guarding his heart the way I did? Why did You allow his lies to go on, protected and hidden for years, through sickness and health and 3 more innocent lives and family vacations and tears and death?
GOD-I WANT TO KNOW WHY!
I want to know why I searched for help and help wasn't found.I cried out for healing and I remained broken. I fought for my marriage and fought for our life and was struck down with a disease that will eventually rear its silent head again and may rob my sight, or my mobility or my life. Why!? Why, when I sought solitude and peace I found nothing but more pain and scandal? Why did You eventually send me exactly what I've prayed to You for my whole life, but I'm still not allowed to claim it? 
Jesus, why have I been painted as the bad guy, the quitter and the Unfaithful One? Why did You allow someone I trusted and counseled as they counseled me to destroy my entire life's work at building up a good name and a golden reputation? Why do people hate me? Why do people lie about me? Why is there such seething, burning contempt for me? 
JESUS- WHAT HAVE I DONE TO DESERVE ALL THIS PAIN? Why won't You let it end?Why can't I find rest anywhere? How could You send another who has taught me what love truly is- strong, long-suffering, faithful, honest,kind,patient and forgiving- instill all these amazing Heaven sent qualities that can only come from You , giving him eyes only for me....and we can never be together? Why is it that he can endure nearly everything life has thrown at him and us, but he won't even give the future a chance? What are we fighting for? What am I fighting for? Why am I even here?
Father- I can't do this anymore. You said You would never leave or forsake me and that's exactly how I feel. Like every smiling face I see masks hissing lies and encouraging words are oozed out just to find a way to gain access to my pain  so that they can twist it up and tear me apart later. I don't ask for the finer things in life or the impossible extravagant materials of this world. Daddy, I just want to be loved. I want to finish this race with someone beside me. I want to finally find my purpose and my worth. I wanna stop hating those who hate me and feeling like I'm on the ground being kicked and spat upon. Psalm 119:25: My soul clings to the dust- revive me according to your Word. Remind me who I am. Let me feel You again. Please, bring back my hope. I feel like I have no reason to be here- no purpose in this life other than to make others look and feel better than they should. My existence is to be a rug to have people's feet wiped upon me. I am mocked and scorned- I am a cosmic joke. Renew my faith for when my eyes fail me. Allow me to see what is there but can't be seen.Love me again. Regardless of my mistakes, through all of my sorrow and weakness and failures..please don't ever stop loving me. Please don't let me go.
Father God, In Jesus Name....
just hold me.

My Life in a Snow Globe

     I'm beginning to re-grasp the understanding of Faith, walking by it and just how foolish and absurd those who do so look to the rest of the World. Walking by faith and not by sight (2 Corinthians 5:7) comes as completely stupid and delusional to those who are used to planning, organizing and taking great care to do everything in their proper order. 
     By no means am I knocking this way of thinking. In fact, I pretty much relish it. I have always prided myself in being very orderly and organized, but that's just it- I prided myself. Walking by faith usually comes when God decides to shake up your life a bit, and remind you that He is still Lord, not you- that it is by His Spirit and not your power, your might or your doing that all good things come to you. There are few things more troubling in this life than when things are going great, the blessings are flowing and you ignorantly take it for granted or even worse, you take the credit for it. I was guilty of the first. 
     Life hasn't always been easy for me;who am I kidding? Life has NEVER been easy for me,lol.But I have had moments of ease and days where blessings just never seemed to cease. Maybe I got lazy. Maybe I got entitled. I don't know, but either way, as thankful as I was I expected troubles, in those fleeting happy moments, to stay gone and become foreign to me. I got...complacent.

Definition of COMPLACENT 1 : marked by self-satisfaction especially when accompanied by unawareness of actual dangers or deficiencies.      I began to take my blessings and God's ability to give and take away for granted. I definitely got lazy in my spirit- and then all you-know-what broke loose.The Bible says that the complacency of fools will destroy them (Proverbs 1:32). I'm not saying that everything heartbreaking that has happened to me in the past few years has been all my fault. Far from it; but where I can clearly blame others for the physical and emotional things they have done to cause this, I was the spiritual head of my home and I let my watch fall. So I am just as responsible and that burns in my heart to say it.      But what the Devil meant for evil, God has turned around for good. (Genesis 50:20) I praise God that I serve a Master who sees me screw up constantly and patiently  turns me back around to face the right direction and continues to bless me along that path; that though He hears every agonizing cry and raging rant about my feeling left, deserted and forsaken- He forgives, He teaches and He continues to bless me.       We have not had an income since May 2012. Jobs have been near impossible to find. But God has been faithful. For the first time I've had to choose which bills were of the most important to pay (mortgage,electricity) and which to let lapse (Tv cancelled, life insurance late). But God has been faithful. I have felt more fear about the uncertainty of my future, more regret over my past decisions and more sorrow over my current conditions than I have ever felt. But God has been faithful. When I finally stopped reeling out of control emotionally, got myself together and got to that place where you just have to say "Though He slay me, yet will I trust Him" I wrote that deeply personal and heartfelt prayer from December 29th. The next day, I'm telling you- He began to open financial doors. Items began selling, one after another on my eBay site, distant friends and new acquaintances began giving financial gifts, I was given the opportunity( of which there are no words) to prevent an acquaintance from taking their own life and in return have gained a new friend and they have gained a new found desire for life.       I'm not completely at a place of peace yet, but I'm slowly getting there. Where there was only fear and darkness, and the lies that circled me caused my very existence such agony...now there is the slightest glimmer of hope. I am beginning to see so many things that I have prayed for slowly (not without trials and opposition of course) coming to fruition. Walking by faith doesn't mean you know that everything will go back to normal and be honky dory. In fact, many times things will never be as they were. It's like we have become living snow globes- yes, you can see the picture when the glitter and snow stays on the ground, but that's not why we love snow globes, is it? We love them for the beauty of the chaos of shaking them up, watching the glittery snow whirl around the scene and finally, gently fall back into a new orderly place.       I am learning that we can never grow and and have a testimony if we are continuously looking back with sorrow and regret. We were never meant to stay in one place, but to keep moving forward- no matter what, even if we can't see...we walk.  By faith. Not by sight.