Friday, May 31, 2013

How can He still Care?

I Peter 5:7 says that we are to cast all our worries and anxiety on the Lord because he cares for us.  Before now, that concept seemed so easy and such a wonderful assurance to have- that i literally didn't have to worry about anything in this life because God would handle it if I just gave it over.

But now that I'm not 15 and my biggest worry isn't how I'm going to juggle excessive amounts of homework and projects at the same time, I'm wondering 2 things: 1- Does this promise still apply when you are wondering if your cares are self inflicted? and 2- Is this just the Devil trying to make me not believe that God's Word is ever true?

Being faithful to my husband was never hard and I never second guessed it. I was that supportive, ever patient wife on her knees praying for his struggles and failures to become his testimony while he peacefully slept after unloading all his guilt on me. But the night his guilt went from being about viewing smutty images to acting upon lustful desires with another tangible human being, something in me just broke. The worst part is, i really believe with my whole heart that had he come to me that same night..or since it was over a span of weeks,if he had come to me that MONTH....forgiveness and starting over could have eventually wiped the slate clean AGAIN and we'd be OK. It was the fact that for almost 6YEARS-through specific questions founded on womanly instinct, creating 3 new lives together, laughter, family vacations,hearing how glad I was that we were together and "aren't our kids blessed that they will never know divorce?", illnesses, moving 500 miles from everything we knew, nearly losing our son to death and our children to unfounded accusations of neglect- through it all i thought we were a strong team and he was keeping his secrets. I could never have done that.NEVER. The guilt would eat me alive. In fact, all thru trying to seek help and save our marriage I repeatedly told him how he was losing me.I never just sprung it on him. Weekly, sometimes daily, it was "I'm scared we're not gonna make it", "I don't feel anything when we kiss anymore" and for the first time"Not tonight". 

I suppose he thought it was just a phase. My days or weeks of functioning emotionless on auto pilot were often referred to as mental vacations or zombie mode. How unfair! I've been delivered the worst news of my life in the middle of the night while 6 months pregnant-straight outta left field- and i guess I'm supposed to keep carrying on like everything's honky dory??!!

But i never kept a secret. What I'm about to divulge is very hard to do and very personal. 3 years into it i felt like i was on the verge of giving up on life completely and needed to get away. With his permission, i did. With his permission I went to a place I've never been and was supposed to be protected by a man i never met but that John knew all about.

 This man betrayed us both and eventually at one of my lowest points during a crying fit, he kissed me. Within seconds john called from home and I told him,tearfully what had happened. He was angry, though it didn't sound so and he said he forgave me- though it wasn't my fault and i came home 2 days later. Nothing got solved or fixed on that trip. Things just seemed to get worse. john just seemed his normal self and and i was falling apart. But because the place itself was therapeutic i assumed it was the "company" that had ruined it, so again with his permission I went back months later completely alone. It was basically Disaster part 2. Severe food poisoning, missed appointments, incessant rain and humidity, a near sexual attack by my cab driver to the airport and the worst part was the insane loneliness. It ended up with me missing my flight home at the fault of the airline, being put up in a Hilton alone at 2am in the pouring rain and the next morning having roughly 5 flights home cancelled or delayed. Very long story short, i told God i was done. I didn't wanna live anymore, it was just too hard and scary and i couldn't do it. 

As I sat in the airport bawling outta fear and brokenness, God sent me an angel- again out of left field. Someone from my somewhat distant past who had meant the world to me when i was just starting out in high school, someone who i had never thought would be reading my Heart of Ruth blog or Facebook posts...someone i had never imagined I'd ever speak to again. This man stayed with me on the phone for 9hours-thru ALL the screwed up flights, listened to my whole story and not just listened, but cared. He shared his own story, which was both totally different and very much the same as mine. He prayed for me and calmed me down when I was about to lose my temper at ticket attendants. Over the next few months we were digitally inseparable. I woke up to long text messages of Bible verses and words of strength and encouragement, pictures of beautiful flowers and would receive calls and Skype messages all throughout the day making sure I was OK. This man held me together and started putting the pieces back together for me. 

And guess what? NOT ONE BIT OF IT WAS EVER KEPT SECRET. John knew it all. He encouraged it. When he wrote it off as a wonderful new friendship I let him know when it was becoming love. This man even apologized to him for falling in love with me. I have been so far emotionally and spiritually separated from the man who was once my husband, that I didn't stop to think if this was wrong or not.

I mean, what makes a marriage? Is it that piece of paper signed by you both? If so, it's a legal contract, but not a marriage. Is it the vows you take before God and the important people in your life? The respect, the honor, the faithfulness, the honesty, the intimacy and most importantly the monogamy?That's what I believed it to be and all of that I gave until death did I part. No, not physically, but with my husband's unfaithfulness I died every other way possible, and he watched it and allowed it happen.I can't speak for him and say he didn't care, I don't really know if he did or not. That's the trouble you have dealing with perpetual lying. Was any care that was shown genuine or an act?Did he even really want to be married to me, or was this new falling in love his way out? Heck, maybe he kept it quiet for so long and sprung it on me the way he did  as part of a plan to get out of the marriage. I'll never know. But all i do know is all the women in my life (and a few wonderful men) have taught me one simple truth: actions speak louder than words. He may have a cried a day or 2 for me, but was up and running after girls in chat rooms a week later.He may have suggested trying counseling again, but after being told we were too far gone, he said, "The best way i can show you i love you is to let you go and be with who you love." Not, "F off buddy, i don't care how perfect you seem. She's MY wife, WE started this together and we are gonna end it together. " Even this man said that and thinks it odd to this day.

But getting back to my original thought, was all this wrong of me?Is this why my life is so hard now. I mourn daily what I thought i had with John.He doesn't miss it or me, he's not even the same person. Or maybe this is who he always was??? I mourn teaching my children outside on warm breezy days, planning those family vacations and watching proudly as MY husband drove off to work hard for his family( nevermind finding out about the porn breaks and playing around like a 5 year old at work with his buddies.)I mourn daily the fear of never having this same life or better with the man i love.I'm embarrassed of where i work and sick of how I'm treated by customers every day that i work. I watch other families come in and enjoy their time together while I'm forced to be away from mine and work so hard for pennies. I never want to be looked at a child support gold digger, so i work really hard. I spend as much time during the day with the my kids as possible, I pay what bills I can when i can, I worry about having enough money for gas and food, i worry about my children being happy and educated and passing their grades for the year, I cry...a lot, but not usually around them. i deal with verbal abuse and racial slurs at times from customers at work. I'm in constant pain from always moving and doing. I am so tired.

Is all this punishment for falling in love with someone I didn't have a legal paper for?Am I being scorned by God for finally having had enough? Was I supposed to keep going at the risk of inadvertently teaching my children that women are objects, cheating is ok if it's forgivable and lying gets you out of trouble? Am i allowed to cast all these cares on God?Will He still take them and make it all better? Do I deserve that grace and mercy???

Saturday, May 11, 2013

The EX Factor


I never wanted an ex, and I have to say, that fact that I do is both very unsettling and very unfair.

I spent the majority of my childhood praying for my future husband. i prayed for his wisdom and spiritual growth, both his physical and spiritual; protection- I prayed that he would love the Lord and and not be sucked into the evils that this world has to offer masquerading as fun and normalcy. Yet here I am, scarred, scorned and burned by the very person I thought I was praying for. I was not wanted...not enough anyway. I was definitely easy to get over-apparently. One minute he's laying on the floor saying he wants to die, but that God told him he wouldn't be alone long; less than a week later he is "in love" with a chat room girl in Australia.

He fell hard, and he fell fast- all the while sharing intimate details of both our lives in order to accumulate pity. Funny thing, she ended up burning him the exact same way he did me. But as is his way, he quickly moved on to another unattainable fling that he was "so in love" with. Seriously, this guy falls in love at least once every 3 months. I'm beginning to think he has absolutely no idea what it really means to love. At any rate, # 2 didn't last either...even with all the pet names,incessant texting and inappropriate pics they sent each other( don't ask how I found out, just rest in the fact that I have now realized he is both a perv and still a liar....) and now he has moved on to #'s 3 and 4. (This basically is achieved by setting your sights on one while growing a "friendship" with another-who by the way dumped her boyfriend for him and knows his feelings for #3..this girl seems truly lame, but I have to say, I don't completely hate her yet,lol.)

I say all this because looking back, I haven't had too many romantic "movie moments". The kind of moments where you can practically hear light songs in the background. Yet he is getting them with these girls. And who I love now has gotten them in the past. But here I remain. Don't get me wrong, I have had more with who I love now then I ever had before. But I just feel so old and stupid and ugly right now. This may seem pretty shallow of me, but I am woman and am prone to those moments. As I write this, I have just about 2 hours before my night shift at my new job (head hung low, it ain't glamorous), I am covered head to ankle in either violently itchy blisters from poison ivy or the crusted scabs that healing from them are leaving me with, I have re-gained at least 20lbs that I have lost...and I have been reminded  at least 8 times in 3 days that I will be turning 32 next month.

I'm beginning to wonder when my moment will come- my vindication. At what point, if ever, will God finally raise me from the ground, dust me off and show the world that i'm His daughter again? When will those who have wronged me be punished, those who have laughed at me stand with mouths agape, when those who have believed lies learn the truth????
This was actually written 4 days ago when i was at my lowest point this month so far. I have LOTS of these. Watching the people who have destroyed your heart and the hearts of those you love continue on blissfully down their petal laden paths is almost maddening. It's like they just get away with murder, because they did. They killed who we used to be,who we wanted to be with them. I know I am not who I want to be anymore, but I'm beginning to think that's the process. Seeds are buried deep within the earth with dirt piled upon them. They are hidden away from the light where it is dark and cold and it rains on them. This rain covers them in mud. But without that rain and the protection the darkness provides against the blistering heat of the sun, it would not be able to grow. And also, for it to grow, it cannot stay as it is. It does not get a say in what it will become. All it can do, is wait-seemingly alone for days on end-then, crack and split it's skin and give birth to new life. From within it will be given insurmountable strength to push aside the filth and cold and darkness and break through to the light and finally blossom into what it's Creator had in mind for it's life. That's why, whether it's an orchid or a redwood, it's a miracle....because quite frankly, those are the seeds that end up being put in places of awe and wonder- and it's the dandelions and weeds that get to easily and quickly sprout up anywhere the wind blows them. It's also those same plants that no one wants, and they get ripped up and mowed down again and again.