Friday, October 11, 2013


originally written on my Facebook under Notes

October 1, 2013 at 9:39am
     so, at the risk of setting myself up to look like a huge hypocrite....
i began reading The Bait of Satan by John Bevere last week. not gonna lie, watching it on the computer was easier and slightly less convicting. In the past year, my life has gone from a looking like a fairy tale on the outside to a downright nightmare on every side. There is definite fear,anger,bitterness,worry etc....and I’m not saying that i may never take to another cryptic update in a moment of sheer desperation to release some of the heartache and pressure. But i will say this: GIIC. "God is in Control".
     He saw everything that has happened and will happen b4 the foundations of the world were ever put into place. He needn't check in with us to make sure we can handle our situations or even like them and be sure-it will all come out in the end to be for His glory. Because HE is God and is worthy of that Glory and if we stay focused on Him and not the storm around us (and we will fail at this at some point) and not let others' actions and words offend us and cause bitterness, great will be our reward.
     My role models are no longer poets or super moms or close friends. They are Joseph- who though he was shown in a dream his future place of power, was robbed of his family,his name, his inheritance and his freedom and kept in a damp dark box of a dungeon for a crime he never committed- and still managed to forgive they that put him there and offer the best he had to them. Why? Because he took his eyes off of himself and the fact that he had every reason to hate and put his eyes on his Creator, and the fact that he had ever responsibility to love.

     They are David, who soothed Saul's restless spirit with music and was welcomed into his army and family, then because of jealousy was hunted like a deer for years to the point of hiding in a cave. He had more than 1 opportunity to take the life of the man that was trying to take his and instead of plotting against him and cursing him, called the man who tried to unjustly kill him "father".(1Samuel 24:11) When word of Saul's death finally came, David didn't breathr a sigh of relief,or reward the man that killed him or feel vindicated. He had the nation learn of a song of love and respect and taught them to sing it in reverence & honor.(2Samuel 1:17-27)

      But most of all, they are Jesus- who unlike US who wait for a sincere apology  before we forgive- forgave us before we could ever conceptualize that we needed it. Think about that. What if Jesus HAD waited for an apology? Not one of us born after his death and resurrection would stand a chance.HE decided on that forgiveness before his Creation ever had the chance to turn on him, and praise God for that. Forgiveness doesn't mean you suddenly don't care what the other person did. It doesn't mean everything is made back to the way it was. And it certainly doesn't mean you decide to remain in the chaos because that's what you did before and it seemed alright at the time. It simply means you release.
     Release the offender from owing you. Release yourself from guilt and shame. You release the bitterness, resentment and anger that is undoubtedly choking the life out of you and your relationship with God. Forgiveness isn't a band-aid that covers the wound, it's the air that releases the infection from eating you up. SO today, i take the first step to release it all. i don't want things the way they were. I want them better. I don't want excess, i want just enough. And I don't want revenge, i want freedom. But most of all, i want Jesus, and I want Peace. Pray for me.

Tuesday, September 17, 2013


It's been so long since I've expressed myself thru poetry, I wonder if i still can. The words don't come as easily and don't rhyme, and trying to get the emotion conveyed thru the right words is almost impossible. So here I will sit, and just let the words free flow thru my fingers, to the keys, from my heart and see where this literary therapy takes me.

I am very aware that anymore my whole being is wracked with pain. Like, not just metaphorically but everything-ly. My back is spasming as i "speak", twitching and throbbing from rebellious muscles and my head is heavy and -full of neverending thoughts and worries that go round and round on loop, day in, day the most inopportune times. It's like I can physically feel every word of every thought of every worry and fear falling and compounding in my skull like a never ending game of least the game has a breaking point where the player is mercifully granted a Game Over when too much has fall upon the level.

Where do I go from here?How will I survive?Should I get another job, or struggle thru the one i have now?Should I fight to keep my dilapidated home, or walk away for the chance at a better dwelling place that will never be mine?Would it have been better to just stay and keep the cushy life in exchange for lies and disloyalty?What is really important in life?How will these children turn out?Is my decision a sin?Does God really still love me?Why can't I hear Him, if He is still speaking to me?Why did everything change in a summer?Why couldn't you just stay the same?Why is it so easy for you to fall asleep when I'm pouring out my heart and crying?Don't you know how scared I am?Does your bank account really control your emotions and feelings towards me that closely? Why can't you give me the tangible love I need?Why was it so easy then and so few and far between now?How could you make me and object of desire last year and so easily reject me night after night now?

Do you remember the burning anger you felt when I answered innocent messages from him?Do u remember when you told me you wanted to be my everything? MY EVERYTHING. Do u remember how you taught me to sever my 15 years  and verbally scolded me and fought with me and walled up yourself from me until I learned to shut him out as you requested?Do you remember my tears and apologetic requests for patience because i have never done this before, and didn't know how?Do you remember when i said i needed to do this the best way I knew how, but rushed to do it your way to prove my loyalty to you?
Can you recall me standing in the street making a tearful spectacle of myself saying I just wanted YOU and no one else and that you had to believe me?Why do you ask me to explain myself when you you respond with silence, or worse yet, your own frustration? Why do u talk to her?Why does she even have the privilege to speak to you or reminisce or ask your whereabouts or of your well being or when you are coming back?Why can't you just disregard her very existence like you asked me to do?Do you know how impossible that is?Do you realize I stay awake night after night reading of your past,thinking of your nights with her,reading her portrayed emotions of you and she and the life you once shared?Do you want to know why I do this and am so incredibly insecure?Do you?

Because when we began you said you craved from her what I try to give to you, but you don't want it. Because what you 2 shared I want for myself and I can't have it.Because our bliss was so short lived that I play out your life with her as ours, and remember a life that was never, as being. I imagine the text messages and the" i love you babes" and the when will you be home and the road trips and concerts and drinking sprees and tours and kayaking and immortalized moments posted and "liked" and parties and friends shared and nights together and flowers given and life in general and falsified sneak aways alone together and nights of heated passion and dates by the waves and the candlight music filled evenings and chilled out movie and video game get togethers...I imagine all those are ours and I cry and I ache and i really loathe that it was she and not me when i was there first, i was there all along, i saw you first and loved you first and wanted you first and last and during all the times that you had with her.

CAn you hear it?CAn you hear the desperation and pain in my words?Or are these just empty black and white digital characters on an over priced screen that she bought for you. Why do you bring up him?That you have to face him day after day and hear his voice, like staying in this hell is my personal choice?It is as much your choice as it is mine. neither of  us want to experience his existence anymore, yet neither  will leave, although your track record far outnumbers mine, as it should since you are the one with the freedom to go. i'm bound and chained by fear for my children and the last shred of my reputation that hangs by a thread. The advice i receive is given by those who have no reputation and have nothing left to lose- who don't have the pressure of leading a perfect as possible life for the sake of their offspring. they have the freedom and luxury of being f-ups and failures and leading mediocre lives. no one expects or ever expected any better from them. but i am the angel that has fallen from Grace, left tattered with broken wings and a bleeding heart, whom people still find the pleasure at pointing at and kicking while down and pointing at and making a spectacle of, all while i try and cover the innocent ones hiding beneath me.

So please be patient and forgive when i am too serious and can't take a joke, or shut down when i hear the latest of what they did wrong or how he snuck out. Forgive my fluctuating emotions, my desperate need to hold onto you as i show you the door for your own sake. Forgive my tear stained pillow and my annoying want to hear you whisper the lie  "wife" in my ear as you hold me at night. Try and understand that although i will never belittle the pain you have felt and the betrayal you have endured, that i still see you as the lucky one, because whether or not you wanted to, you were able to just walk away and all that was left behind were replaceable objects, not souls.I fully realize that what I want and need from you, you cannot give.You are unwillingly to give. 

You play the part well though. You came and made my tragedy a fairy tale again. You made me feel and believe the impossible was anything but; you woke up parts of me that had died-and worse yet, had never been brought to existence. You became my breath and my drug. Where there was hopelessness, now there was life, and chance and hope and possibility...and dreams again. So I'm sorry if I see you in a role you don't know you want, because you play the part well. I'm sorry if I long to hear them crown you with a title you don't want, because whether or not you like it, you are living it. You give to them exactly what they want and need and crave. And i know the answer to ending this madness is for you to just go back 18 chapters and disappear like you did when you graduated and become just a fond memory of what could have been, but to do that would be to remove the air from our lungs and the dreams from our sleep and the hope from our mornings. You have literally stepped into 5 lives appearing to have and want and know how to give exactly what has been prayed for for years upon years, only to halt with the overwhelming fear  and occasional revelation of you not wanting this.
You are both a blessing and a curse. You are healing and destructive. You are, at the very same time both lovingly amazing and hatefully cruel. whether you stay or go, you will destroy me, just as i asked you not to, because you don't want you portray to want and you can't be what i need you to be.

You have been the beginning and will be the end of me. And I love and hate you for it.

Friday, May 31, 2013

How can He still Care?

I Peter 5:7 says that we are to cast all our worries and anxiety on the Lord because he cares for us.  Before now, that concept seemed so easy and such a wonderful assurance to have- that i literally didn't have to worry about anything in this life because God would handle it if I just gave it over.

But now that I'm not 15 and my biggest worry isn't how I'm going to juggle excessive amounts of homework and projects at the same time, I'm wondering 2 things: 1- Does this promise still apply when you are wondering if your cares are self inflicted? and 2- Is this just the Devil trying to make me not believe that God's Word is ever true?

Being faithful to my husband was never hard and I never second guessed it. I was that supportive, ever patient wife on her knees praying for his struggles and failures to become his testimony while he peacefully slept after unloading all his guilt on me. But the night his guilt went from being about viewing smutty images to acting upon lustful desires with another tangible human being, something in me just broke. The worst part is, i really believe with my whole heart that had he come to me that same night..or since it was over a span of weeks,if he had come to me that MONTH....forgiveness and starting over could have eventually wiped the slate clean AGAIN and we'd be OK. It was the fact that for almost 6YEARS-through specific questions founded on womanly instinct, creating 3 new lives together, laughter, family vacations,hearing how glad I was that we were together and "aren't our kids blessed that they will never know divorce?", illnesses, moving 500 miles from everything we knew, nearly losing our son to death and our children to unfounded accusations of neglect- through it all i thought we were a strong team and he was keeping his secrets. I could never have done that.NEVER. The guilt would eat me alive. In fact, all thru trying to seek help and save our marriage I repeatedly told him how he was losing me.I never just sprung it on him. Weekly, sometimes daily, it was "I'm scared we're not gonna make it", "I don't feel anything when we kiss anymore" and for the first time"Not tonight". 

I suppose he thought it was just a phase. My days or weeks of functioning emotionless on auto pilot were often referred to as mental vacations or zombie mode. How unfair! I've been delivered the worst news of my life in the middle of the night while 6 months pregnant-straight outta left field- and i guess I'm supposed to keep carrying on like everything's honky dory??!!

But i never kept a secret. What I'm about to divulge is very hard to do and very personal. 3 years into it i felt like i was on the verge of giving up on life completely and needed to get away. With his permission, i did. With his permission I went to a place I've never been and was supposed to be protected by a man i never met but that John knew all about.

 This man betrayed us both and eventually at one of my lowest points during a crying fit, he kissed me. Within seconds john called from home and I told him,tearfully what had happened. He was angry, though it didn't sound so and he said he forgave me- though it wasn't my fault and i came home 2 days later. Nothing got solved or fixed on that trip. Things just seemed to get worse. john just seemed his normal self and and i was falling apart. But because the place itself was therapeutic i assumed it was the "company" that had ruined it, so again with his permission I went back months later completely alone. It was basically Disaster part 2. Severe food poisoning, missed appointments, incessant rain and humidity, a near sexual attack by my cab driver to the airport and the worst part was the insane loneliness. It ended up with me missing my flight home at the fault of the airline, being put up in a Hilton alone at 2am in the pouring rain and the next morning having roughly 5 flights home cancelled or delayed. Very long story short, i told God i was done. I didn't wanna live anymore, it was just too hard and scary and i couldn't do it. 

As I sat in the airport bawling outta fear and brokenness, God sent me an angel- again out of left field. Someone from my somewhat distant past who had meant the world to me when i was just starting out in high school, someone who i had never thought would be reading my Heart of Ruth blog or Facebook posts...someone i had never imagined I'd ever speak to again. This man stayed with me on the phone for 9hours-thru ALL the screwed up flights, listened to my whole story and not just listened, but cared. He shared his own story, which was both totally different and very much the same as mine. He prayed for me and calmed me down when I was about to lose my temper at ticket attendants. Over the next few months we were digitally inseparable. I woke up to long text messages of Bible verses and words of strength and encouragement, pictures of beautiful flowers and would receive calls and Skype messages all throughout the day making sure I was OK. This man held me together and started putting the pieces back together for me. 

And guess what? NOT ONE BIT OF IT WAS EVER KEPT SECRET. John knew it all. He encouraged it. When he wrote it off as a wonderful new friendship I let him know when it was becoming love. This man even apologized to him for falling in love with me. I have been so far emotionally and spiritually separated from the man who was once my husband, that I didn't stop to think if this was wrong or not.

I mean, what makes a marriage? Is it that piece of paper signed by you both? If so, it's a legal contract, but not a marriage. Is it the vows you take before God and the important people in your life? The respect, the honor, the faithfulness, the honesty, the intimacy and most importantly the monogamy?That's what I believed it to be and all of that I gave until death did I part. No, not physically, but with my husband's unfaithfulness I died every other way possible, and he watched it and allowed it happen.I can't speak for him and say he didn't care, I don't really know if he did or not. That's the trouble you have dealing with perpetual lying. Was any care that was shown genuine or an act?Did he even really want to be married to me, or was this new falling in love his way out? Heck, maybe he kept it quiet for so long and sprung it on me the way he did  as part of a plan to get out of the marriage. I'll never know. But all i do know is all the women in my life (and a few wonderful men) have taught me one simple truth: actions speak louder than words. He may have a cried a day or 2 for me, but was up and running after girls in chat rooms a week later.He may have suggested trying counseling again, but after being told we were too far gone, he said, "The best way i can show you i love you is to let you go and be with who you love." Not, "F off buddy, i don't care how perfect you seem. She's MY wife, WE started this together and we are gonna end it together. " Even this man said that and thinks it odd to this day.

But getting back to my original thought, was all this wrong of me?Is this why my life is so hard now. I mourn daily what I thought i had with John.He doesn't miss it or me, he's not even the same person. Or maybe this is who he always was??? I mourn teaching my children outside on warm breezy days, planning those family vacations and watching proudly as MY husband drove off to work hard for his family( nevermind finding out about the porn breaks and playing around like a 5 year old at work with his buddies.)I mourn daily the fear of never having this same life or better with the man i love.I'm embarrassed of where i work and sick of how I'm treated by customers every day that i work. I watch other families come in and enjoy their time together while I'm forced to be away from mine and work so hard for pennies. I never want to be looked at a child support gold digger, so i work really hard. I spend as much time during the day with the my kids as possible, I pay what bills I can when i can, I worry about having enough money for gas and food, i worry about my children being happy and educated and passing their grades for the year, I cry...a lot, but not usually around them. i deal with verbal abuse and racial slurs at times from customers at work. I'm in constant pain from always moving and doing. I am so tired.

Is all this punishment for falling in love with someone I didn't have a legal paper for?Am I being scorned by God for finally having had enough? Was I supposed to keep going at the risk of inadvertently teaching my children that women are objects, cheating is ok if it's forgivable and lying gets you out of trouble? Am i allowed to cast all these cares on God?Will He still take them and make it all better? Do I deserve that grace and mercy???

Saturday, May 11, 2013

The EX Factor


I never wanted an ex, and I have to say, that fact that I do is both very unsettling and very unfair.

I spent the majority of my childhood praying for my future husband. i prayed for his wisdom and spiritual growth, both his physical and spiritual; protection- I prayed that he would love the Lord and and not be sucked into the evils that this world has to offer masquerading as fun and normalcy. Yet here I am, scarred, scorned and burned by the very person I thought I was praying for. I was not wanted...not enough anyway. I was definitely easy to get over-apparently. One minute he's laying on the floor saying he wants to die, but that God told him he wouldn't be alone long; less than a week later he is "in love" with a chat room girl in Australia.

He fell hard, and he fell fast- all the while sharing intimate details of both our lives in order to accumulate pity. Funny thing, she ended up burning him the exact same way he did me. But as is his way, he quickly moved on to another unattainable fling that he was "so in love" with. Seriously, this guy falls in love at least once every 3 months. I'm beginning to think he has absolutely no idea what it really means to love. At any rate, # 2 didn't last either...even with all the pet names,incessant texting and inappropriate pics they sent each other( don't ask how I found out, just rest in the fact that I have now realized he is both a perv and still a liar....) and now he has moved on to #'s 3 and 4. (This basically is achieved by setting your sights on one while growing a "friendship" with another-who by the way dumped her boyfriend for him and knows his feelings for #3..this girl seems truly lame, but I have to say, I don't completely hate her yet,lol.)

I say all this because looking back, I haven't had too many romantic "movie moments". The kind of moments where you can practically hear light songs in the background. Yet he is getting them with these girls. And who I love now has gotten them in the past. But here I remain. Don't get me wrong, I have had more with who I love now then I ever had before. But I just feel so old and stupid and ugly right now. This may seem pretty shallow of me, but I am woman and am prone to those moments. As I write this, I have just about 2 hours before my night shift at my new job (head hung low, it ain't glamorous), I am covered head to ankle in either violently itchy blisters from poison ivy or the crusted scabs that healing from them are leaving me with, I have re-gained at least 20lbs that I have lost...and I have been reminded  at least 8 times in 3 days that I will be turning 32 next month.

I'm beginning to wonder when my moment will come- my vindication. At what point, if ever, will God finally raise me from the ground, dust me off and show the world that i'm His daughter again? When will those who have wronged me be punished, those who have laughed at me stand with mouths agape, when those who have believed lies learn the truth????
This was actually written 4 days ago when i was at my lowest point this month so far. I have LOTS of these. Watching the people who have destroyed your heart and the hearts of those you love continue on blissfully down their petal laden paths is almost maddening. It's like they just get away with murder, because they did. They killed who we used to be,who we wanted to be with them. I know I am not who I want to be anymore, but I'm beginning to think that's the process. Seeds are buried deep within the earth with dirt piled upon them. They are hidden away from the light where it is dark and cold and it rains on them. This rain covers them in mud. But without that rain and the protection the darkness provides against the blistering heat of the sun, it would not be able to grow. And also, for it to grow, it cannot stay as it is. It does not get a say in what it will become. All it can do, is wait-seemingly alone for days on end-then, crack and split it's skin and give birth to new life. From within it will be given insurmountable strength to push aside the filth and cold and darkness and break through to the light and finally blossom into what it's Creator had in mind for it's life. That's why, whether it's an orchid or a redwood, it's a miracle....because quite frankly, those are the seeds that end up being put in places of awe and wonder- and it's the dandelions and weeds that get to easily and quickly sprout up anywhere the wind blows them. It's also those same plants that no one wants, and they get ripped up and mowed down again and again.

Saturday, March 23, 2013

Forward Facing Hindsight


You have released me from my torment
sent me soaring to places I've never found
Then in an instant it all changes
as you yank me back down.

Sometimes I swear you do it just so you can control
one last shred of your life 
that you can choose to hold or let go.

You know that you own me, from day one
I was a fool
I let you know too much too soon,well played
you were cool.

You played your hands but always keep that Ace
meanwhile I betrayed all my thoughts and hands
on my face.

They say I'm cold,distant and cruel and I wish I had become 
that way,
the very fact that I'm not has proven what they say.
I've never been here before and I don't know this road.
I've heard of it in nightmares from others who have told
of broken promises and lies and half committed hearts
and how talks of forever tear braided cords apart.

Now all I long for is the boisterous solitude
of a mundane life taken for granted
surrounded by my brood.

Tuesday, March 19, 2013

Show me the Money


So I'm having a hard time this week, and trying desperately not to complain (too much at least) about it. Somewhere along the line, my stay at home status seems to have earned me the right to have to deal with people assumiong that I have no desire to work and just want a man to take care of me. You know, the whole Peg Bundy bonbon eater thing. This couldn't be further from the truth. I actually loved working when I actually did it for a paycheck. I have been a waitress in an upscale Victorian tearoom (LOVED IT!) and I have taken care of mentally disabled residents in several group homes (that could be a challenge, but also real fun) and then there was my last and most recent job of educating mother's and the community.... on breastfeeding and the benefits of it.That one was darn near my favorite one thus far. It was a desk job, and although I'm more comfortable up and moving around, the desk did give an air of importance that I've never felt before.

Well, I'm beginning to realize the ability to work and actually generate a sustainable income while being at home for my children is becoming darn near impossible. And not from a lack of trying have I learned this. I have been and continue to sell items and services on Craigslist and eBay and Fiverr but responses are few and far between, as are people's interest. I want to be here for my children not so that I can sit around watching TV( don't have TV-I actually cancelled it to save money and because, let's be honest, is there really anything on it worth subjecting our children to anymore???) but so that i can continue being their teacher, full time parent and support. I hope this doesn't open up a can of dump on Maria, because I don't have an evil thing to say about working mothers. I was the child of a single working mother for years, and I have NOTHING but the utmost respect and awe of them and how they juggle EVERYTHING without cracking.

But I need a job, and I need one, like, yesterday. I have filled out so many applications it was like a rendition of This is your Life for me for a while. I actually loathe applications now. I find ads on Craigslist and in the paper, but most are scams or dead ends with no leads. I don't know. This is partially the reason I attempted the fast the other day. I seriously need guidance from the Lord. I need hope. I have no problem at all admitting that I am a stupid human being who has no business trying to make her own decisions for her life. I have too many people counting on me and I can't afford to fail. The only the way that that is to going to happen is if God leads me where and how I should go.

Sunday, March 17, 2013

His Strength made Perfect in my Weakness

This skinny depiction of Jesus has always annoyed me to no end. Where people got the idea that He was this wimpy,whiny effeminate guy I have no idea. I mean, he was a carpenter in the beginning of His life.                                                                                  Have you seen what the world's idea of carpenters are? : 
Clearly, He was no wimp. And He also fished with his disciples and helped them haul up a net so full of fish that it began to break. That takes some serious strength!
And even His death; any regular man-let alone the wussy version of Jesus- would have died simply from the beatings He took, but Jesus survived the beatings, the crown of thorns, the lack of sleep and hunger/dehydration that came with the Crucifixion. Personally, I think it was the suffocation that finally ended Him up there. 

This past Friday, I learned firsthand how strong and tough my Lord is when I attempted my first no eat fast.
I have done different variations of fasting before- all very hard, but extremely beneficial and spiritually amazing. The first 3 days have always been the hardest. I've done the 30 hour famine my sophomore year in high school, the fasting from TV for a week as a senior in high school and the Daniel's Fast for 11 days 2 years ago (that was unbelievable!) But things in my life right now have been so painful, so confusing and so seemingly left-to-chance that I have been praying nonstop for answers and direction from the Lord, but with no seeming answers in sight. Some days it seems like there is no hope and I'm am terrified. Other days there are nothing but options upon option but everythig hinges on something else that hinges on something else. It's an insane domino effect. It's like when we were trying to buy the house here in WV. We needed a job here to get approved for a loan, but we needed a home with an address to be able to get work. See tat vicious cycle? That's kinda where I am now.

So the other night I woke up around 4:30am from a terrifying nightmare. I have always had this reoccurring dream that this monstrous wave is building on the crest of the sea a few houses down from where we used to live in NJ and just before it breaks, I rush inside and cover my children and hold them tight and cry and pray. We can hear the roar of the waves covering the house and glimpses at the window reveal dead bodies, cars and debris floating by or submerged. It's a horrifying sight, but somehow, we are always ok.

This time my dream happened much like all the other times, except for the fact that the wave crashed through that big bay window, glass shattering all around us and my children are screaming. I see the wide eyed terror on 4 little faces, my youngest screaming for me to help her as her curly head disappears beneath the rising water. I'm alone, one child drowning, one swimming toward me, one clinging to me choking and my only son is missing.

And I am alone.

There is no one there to help me reach  my babies, and I have to try and choose, split second, which to save and which to leave in God's hands. The grief is literally breaking my heart as I awake sobbing and shaking.
I realized in that moment that I HAVE GOT to get God's attention and decided to fast. No food, for at least 7 days or until He answered me. I wrote down my top 3 questions and the signs I requested (kinda like Gideon did) to verify what the Lord wanted me to do and tucked the little paper away in my Bible. 

The first hour or so, for whatever reason my stomach was in knots and I as i prayed I got hungrier and hungrier. Then after a bit, it just stopped. I made it all day without really telling anyone, but by 10 pm I was so weak. My head was throbbing and I just fell asleep to my oldest child petting my head. I awoke around 5am Saturday more in the worst shape then I have ever been in. Dizzy, nauseous, pounding migraine, weak and slurring my words( at least it felt like I was) I tried to sit up and drink some lemon water, but it just made me feel sicker. Sobbing, I stumbled downstairs and out to the kitchen where I drank some grape juice and nibbled on slice of bread. By the time i got upstairs I thought I was dying and passed out in bed. i haven't felt that weak and flimsy since S was born.

 I woke up late yesterday and just felt so pathetic. I couldn't believe that I had given in to my flesh so easily- and when I had so many important things to get answered. I am still loathing myself, and even though I know God hears me and knows my heart, I feel like I just proved to Him why He shouldn't take my prayers seriously. 

Jesus was no joke. He was no wimp. That man went 40days and nights in the wilderness without a thing to eat or drink. Yes, He is God, but He was also man and lived for 33 years in a flesh and blood shell that felt everything we feel. He went that long with 0 sustenance, was tempted with power and riches and the chance to give in and eat and could still have the strength and presence of mind to quote Scripture back and do warfare with the Devil. I love how Matthew 4:11 says the Devil left him, and angels came and ministered to him. I wonder if that means they fed Him, or ministered to His exhausted spirit?

At any rate, I have resolved to try and do the Daniel's Fast again. At least I am seriously thinking about it. I don't think I am strong enough to go without eating ANYTHING, but I don't want to let that get in the way of hearing my Father again. I need answers, ones that only He can give.

Tuesday, February 26, 2013

Dream,Hope and choosing JOY

How quickly things can change, literally in an instant.

I was sitting in the woods today absolutely fuming at something that I'm sure will have escaped my memory in the coming months and I began to look over my life- but more specifically the past year. So much has happened and I have been put through so much that I can hardly believe that I am still sane.Maybe my sanity is still in question, who knows?

I have spent the past 12 months devastated at losing my best friend to mistrust and lies, feeling completely worthless as a woman and a failure at being the rock of a mother my children need, fighting panic attacks at the frightening realization that for the first time in my life I must be a sole provider/teacher/friend/entertainer/comfort and confidant to these 4 precious souls; I have fallen in love again and stupidly allowed another flesh and blood man to gain my fragile and tattered trust, realized that even though we are all different and unique we are also all ironically the same;I have cried,laughed,raged,questioned,feared,worried,prayed ,given up and continued on. 
I have felt defeated and crushed but at the same time allowed myself to hope and dream.
I dream that my love of writing ends up slowly creating a ripple effect that happens to touch hundreds, or maybe even thousands of lives for the better. 
I dream that my little hobby of photography somehow earns me enough money to purchase a real professional camera, and the pictures of the ordinary things in life invoke such a sense of beauty and emotion in people that I end up becoming a well known and sought after photographer.
I dream of somehow managing to save up enough money to put 20% down on this beautifully modest home here in West Virginia- the one that I found online today  that sits on a 10½ acre piece of land that boasts a barn and 3 separate storage buildings; I dream of my children playing tag and hide and seek among the tall grass and only their shrieks and giggles at being found can be heard over the crickets chirping and bullfrogs groaning.
 I dream that they grow up unscathed and almost better now then they would have been had everything remained the same. Although there are moments where I seem delusional, even to myself, I continue to allow myself to dream. Why couldn't it happen? Why couldn't miracle after miracle happen for me and my little family? Why couldn't it all work out and I finally get my life's happy ending? Isn't that, afterall, what Hope does?
The night that I started this particular blog, I knew in my heart- that even as tears flowed freely and scowls of resentment twisted across my face subconsciously while I typed away- even then I knew that I wanted this blog to be more than a place where I rant and rave and cry. My writings have never meant to be just about me, but rater to use me and my life's moments for the betterment of others. The Heart of Ruth was all about that, and even though it never became this mega-blog with throngs of eager followers, I consider it my greatest literary success. Now I want to try and continue that legacy that I started, even as I go through this new chapter in my life. I want to do my best to use my fears and failures to bring Hope and the ability to continue to Dream big to those who feel they shouldn't or can't allow themselves the privilege of doing so for themselves. The remaining 3 remain for a reason, and I intend on choosing JOY. Maybe not always immediately or easily, but rather eventually. Even if I never get to live my dreams, at least I tried to be JOYful while pursuing them.

Thursday, February 14, 2013

Stupid Cupid

I have officially come to the decision that I am a complete and utter idiot. Either that or I am a magnet for pain.

Ever since I was a little girl, holidays have been an intricate and anxiously awaited part of my life. Every year, my my grandmother would have me or my grandfather climb up into the attic with all it's distant memories and familiar smells to retrieve a box for the upcoming holiday. Easter had painted egg wall hangings and obnoxiously colored wicker baskets with leftover plastic grass; Christmas gave way to the giant plastic manager scene and a cardboard fireplace from the 70's that was riddled with thumbtack holes from "hanging the stockings gently with care" for decades. 

And then there was Valentine's Day.

Red,white and pink overtook the house for a week before til the day after. Hearts and lace and Victorian Scripted "I love you"'s everywhere. My grandfather would proudly have flowers delivered to our house for my Nan and waiting for the florist van to pull up for her was as exciting as waiting for Christmas Eve to give birth to early Christmas morning. Every year she acted as surprised and thankful as she probably genuinely was the first time he did it for her. My grandparents set the stage for how I was to view holidays for the rest of my life.

Which is why I blame them entirely for my yearly heartache and disappointments in these stupid time honored celebration of certain days. I grew into womanhood with the expectation woven throughout my being that someday there would be my loving husband, on Christmas and my birthday and Valentine's Day, our anniversary and Mother's Day, dutifully hearing my wishes and desires throughout the year and lovingly allowing me to cross each and every one off my mental list over time. To me, the love of a man towards his wife was more than just providing a shelter and utilities for his family, it was going the extra mile to do things he didn't necessarily want to do or enjoy because in the end, her smile and her feeling valued above all other women( if even for a moment during a holiday) was reflected in his smile and it bonded them together. Well, I got news for you. 
It's all hooey.
This is what I've learned of holidays and their correlation to love since 1999.
  1. No man innately wants to do romantic things for his woman.It is purely a ruse- a type of primal hunting,if you will-  to shoot down the female of his choosing so he can drag her off and say he was man enough to get her. He was just that good-that romantic- that she couldn't help herself. Ladies, once he has's over. Your romantic dreams will now have to be scaled down tremendously from once dreaming of candlelit dinners and hotel getaways to settling for lukewarm meals you coked and compromising on a movie/tv program that you don't mind and he loves.
  2. "Just Because" gifts exist just because you watched a stupid romance comedy and some underpaid script writer gave the heroine in the film that moment that she didn't actually deserve, and now you in real life are hooked on having that same moment, sans script writer. Good luck with that.
  3. Holidays are rooted in evil. No matter how you spin it, when you break down the word you get "holy" and "days". I fully believe that you are responsible for what you know and so now, thanks to this new-found knowledge, there is a whole lot of guilt and inner turmoil for me. I was reared in the joys of celebrating holidays and now I discover that it was all wrong. I have learned that as a Christian there are 7 Holidays in the Bible that God only ever mentioned to be celebrated and observed, none of which include a tree or wall hangings or gift giving. In case you were curious these holidays are :
  • Passover
  •  First and Last Day of the Feast of Unleavened Bread
  • The Day of Pentecost
  • The Feast of Trumpets
  •   The Day of Atonement
  • The Feast of Tabernacles (The Feast of Booths)
  • The Great Last Day
I never EVER want to downplay or ignore the importance of celebrating the days that I as a Christian am even allowed/expected to keep observed.But how am I supposed to do that so easily when I wasn't taught this and in fact was taught completely backwards?And on top of that, I am now rearing my children the same way, but confusing the heck out of them because of my new knowledge and being torn between what I know to be right and the things I was taught to hold dear. So thank you Pop,Nan and Mom...for instilling in me a love of generational misinformation and supposedly evil doing.

Look, this little corner of the electrical universe was never meant to just be a daily or close to daily tirade about woe is me and how miserable am I. Truth be told, I do actually have good days. I do laugh-believe it or not I have a pretty intense belly laugh that has caused quite a few headaches. I find beauty in things around, hence the photography page on here that I'm working on. It's just that i also have had an awful lot of really bad and painful things to go through in my life., and when it gets to the point where you have a hard time remembering the days with a smile because the bad days outnumber them or you miss them so much you wanna cry, you need to vent somewhere. Since I have no "right there in front of me" tangible friends that I cry with or on, I blog. I used to be such an encourager and I've always been a great listener. But now, now it's my season for needing to be listened to and needing an encourager. I'm in a lot of pain. I get angry and frustrated at my life and how it twists and turns, and rarely in my favor anymore. I'm angry that there seems to be no end in sight to all the pain and bad and that the people I love around me are going through their own pain and bad and I can't ease it or make it stop.
     This blog was meant to be a safe place to vent and to find the 3 things that remain...Faith,Hope and Love....because they are the only 3 that ever do. Even when your faith feels like it's gone, you know it isn't if you are able to keep hoping and finding away to open your eyes and get out of bed. Heck, there have been days where my act of faith was to open my swollen tear filled eyes in the morning and just stare. It was like my hearts little act of defiance against just wanting to be dead. Faith and hope shall always remain. Love, well the world's idea of love comes and goes. But true Love always remains, never changes, and will always always continue.....because God is Love.
Hey, i actually ended on a good note!

Saturday, February 9, 2013

Nothing, I'm just Tired

 One of the most painful parts of going through circumstances like mine is the remembrance of when things were better- days when there was laughter, nights filled with snuggling and feeling loved and the one who laid beside me could never function an hour without my love and affection.I felt so loved, I felt so valued and treasured. Going to bed angry was absurd.

Now, the reason I say that the remembrance of these things are so painful, aren't just because I don't feel these anymore- but because I can distinctly remember the night I realized that these memories were all false. I was kneeling on the floor in the dark at the foot of my bed; my whole world had just crumbled around me an hour prior and my destroyer lay snoring peacefully in bed, having unloaded years and years worth of secrets and guilt on me out of nowhere. Every good feeling and every moment of  Wow, I'm am the luckiest woman alive was based on something that never existed. I had been in love with a lie that had masqueraded as reality from the very beginning.That's what hurts the most.

I can remember being looked at in intimate moments with so much desire, never realizing at that moment I was not the one that was being seen. Fights never happened and angry bedtimes didn't exist because I held my tongue so hard some nights I could almost taste blood. Simple requests were overlooked or forgotten and I carried on, sometimes feeling unimportant and when I finally demanded things that others receive so freely, they still were not meant to be and I would just shake my head and sigh it away. As long as I didn't complain too much or rock the boat, we were a happy family. The children could laugh and feel secure and memories could be made.

Now it's my time to be "selfish". Right here, at 2am...I make no apologies and I just don't care. Right now, I don't care what anyone thinks, how they take what I am about to write....I will worry about that tomorrow.Or maybe the next day.So here it goes.....

I have had it. 

I am broken and I am tired and I have had it. I am a freaking human being. I get just as tired as the next person and I demand the same respect and rest time and help as anybody in my situation would. I am sick of being the only to do laundry and organize piles of clothing that are sky high. I am fed up with being the only one who can replace an empty toilet paper roll for everyone else's convenience but there is never one there for me. I am tired of cooking meals for people who are unappreciative and nit pick it apart from the way it looks to the way they "know" it tastes without ever even trying it. I am sick of everyone boo hooing about their lack of comfort when their level of comfort is something I crave. To wake and sit in front of a video game or computer or TV with my eyes glazing have a hot plate of breakfast and a cold cup of coffee is something I have to wait for a holiday for to enjoy. To just decide, Eh-I don't see those toys strewn about or the spill on the table or the muddy paw prints tracked through the house. I'm gonna lock myself in my room, drop the curtain and let someone else deal with it- for me would be lunacy but for other's it's called Monday-Sunday.

I have had it.

I have been robbed of time. And dignity. And respect. I have to lend an ear and endure long conversations about others' woes and  insignificant hardships and heartaches while the very fabric of my sanity somedays is barely a thread's worth. I have to pull pieces of myself apart like string cheese to this one and be a loving daughter, and these 4 to be a strong and capable mother, and this one to be a true and loyal friend and this one to be a patient and knowledgeable teacher, and this one to be a good-natured and sweet....whatever the heck I am, and this One to be a pure and blemish free servant.

 I CAN'T DO IT!!!!!!

Ya wanna know what I want? I want to wake up every morning in someone's arms and hear Good Morning my Love and get sweet kisses. I want equal distribution of housework, and not it all put on me, along with educating the children, and making and cleaning up the meals, and cleaning up every mess I see, and raising the children alone and breaking up fights and disagreements and remembering what bill is due when and staying up til 4am trying to make finances balance and appease demanding debtors, and getting up to the minute reports on which- kid- did- what- thing- you- don't- like on top of texts starting out with "If you're not busy" or "Could you do me a favor?"....

When the Hades am I not busy?!

I want what every girl wants and deserves. I want compliments and lots of them. I've been stress eating and I'm too poor to go to the gym and I wanna know that I'm still beautiful to someone other than my 3year old. I want gifts- and not just scribbled drawings and yarn necklaces. (Do you know I lost a yarn necklace tonight? It was made by 7 year old daughter for me for Valentine's Day, because even she knows I never get anything on that day. She gave it to me early a few days ago to cheer me up because I had been crying about something. And do you know I bawled when I couldn't find it? What 30 something woman goes sobbing hysterically to a 7 year old to ask for forgiveness for losing a pink yarn necklace?? ME! While her father stood there asking what's the big deal? You're acting like some died, right there in front of of her!!  Really?!

I don't care if holidays are pagan or commercialized or whatever the new reason is I have to get used to killing the natural excitement and anticipation of days where every other woman is spoiled....if it's on the calender and I grew up celebrating it, I want it to continue. A freaking handwritten note. A stolen flower from a wild hedge by my pillow. A $5 necklace that I can treat like a string of diamonds. Yes, i sound like a spoiled brat and like I said at the beginning- I don't care. Anyone who comes into my life is going to have exes that will have experienced and received things I never have and never will.That's not fair. Anyone who comes into my ex's life will get to experience and receive things I didn't.That's not fair. I will always either have arrived too late or have been the lesson learned from, but never the one babied.

I have spent my ENTIRE life caring and worrying about others' feelings, and what are they going to think and what are they going to say. The devil with my feelings and what I may say. No one replays their words in their heads for my comfort level, so screw it. Like the saying goes, If people can't handle me at my worst, they don't deserve me at my best. I can say with full confidence there is not one person under my roof who is hurting as much or is as scared or screwed or uncomfortable or jipped or robbed or broken or angry or whatever as me. I based my whole future, my happiness, my trust, my sanity, my security and my strength on something that NEVER EXISTED. Take everything you have been taught and known to be true...your very foundation and discover it was all a lie and then try giving your all and function properly and that's where I am. And you know what? I think all things considered, I'm doing a d@!* good job.

So, tirade over. GASP! I'm human. Welcome to a sliver of what goes on in my head when I'm not speaking. So just remember people, the next time you ask a woman, "What's wrong?" -you better actually care and be willing to hear it all....You may have no idea what's behind her casual,Nothing. I'm just tired.

Thursday, January 31, 2013

Nightly Ponder

I have no idea where to begin.

      I just spent the better part of the night watching old shows that I grew up on, laughing and talking with someone I love dearly. But then the silence came- that silence that I crave all day long. Through the thumping of doors slamming shut and children's calls to each other from room to room, the worry of near empty bank accounts being squeezed of every last penny to appease the bill people , the pouring rain that has overtaken the forecasted sunny day...through all of the chaos and frustration and playtime and teachings I crave this silence; now that it's here, it scares me.

     I'm not sure I like it, especially when I'm the only one awake. I take my sleepy toddler by the hand and guide her back to her warm well blanketed bed, and it feels so good to have someone holding my hand in the darkness. Most nights, I am up and down correcting overwound children, or the ones with the bad dreams or who saw the scary shadows. It is during these times that I hear the silence. The faint snore coming from a distant bedroom; the rush of the wind outside like a train whizzing by; the whimper of our dogs twitching on the couch, dreaming of endless outdoor play. But it is also during these times that the reality of what is my reality hits me like a smack in the face and it doesn't matter that I was laughing and reminiscing just a few hours earlier- I am immediately pulled towards fear and the tears overtake me. It is in this darkness and silence that I see and feel in the physical world exactly what I cannot see but still feel in the spiritual one. 

     I used to feel as though I was so on track with the Lord and I resented my angelic reputation. I hated that the people I just wanted to simply talk to and get to know never wanted to give me a second thought or just a chance at a real friendship because they assumed I would look down from my pedestal at them and make them feel the way I feel people make me feel now. The saddest part is, I never would have. That is not who I am, and I never gave that indication.

     Now I'm stumbling around in darkness, crying out for my Father to hear me, to answer my call, to give me some guidance and direction. I know it is evil to ask for signs, but how else can I really know that something is from the Lord and not the Devil appearing as an Angel of Light? How do I know that everything that I was taught before wasn't wrong or askew or a mistake- based on generational misinformation? The only thing that I cling to is the Word, and even that has been twisted and misinterpreted a thousand ways by both well meaning and evil pastors and elders.I don't want to fall away- not now, not when the end is so very close. It's not fair, that if I was going the right way throughout the race that now I get lost and   lose my sense of direction.My soul can't afford to to be lost.

     And even now, in this evil physical realm I am forced to face utter failure. Fears that I have never once worried about have become my daily torment.There is no money. There is no way to provide for myself and my children without the help that isn't there. There is no emotional comfort- just daily spits in the face, so to speak. Things I craved and begged and asked for-humiliated at having to grovel for- are so freely given to another who has not had to endure what I have, who has not been put through the humiliation I have and who has not been there time and again and again forgiving and being let down in a vicious self destructive cycle. I watch my children try so desperately to get what should just be an honour to give to them, and now I have to dispense it twice as much to fill the void.The fact of the matter is, now I have to continue on in this world with no support or security by my side while others get to go and play like they are air-headed teenagers again.While they put in their paid allotted 8 hours and come home to video games and private giddy phone calls, I put in my thankless,never ending 24 hours of educating, and meal planning and budgeting and bill paying, and smooth talking debtors and fears, and 3am nightmares and 4am potty runs and checking measly online auctions praying to God another memory I have put up for sale has been bought by a stranger so that I can make ends meet and squirrel away for an uncertain and frighteningly lonely  future.

    So there I sit, by my window on the floor looking out at the darkened town. I wonder how many people in the houses that I am looking at are sleeping soundly and how many feel the way I do right now and are being robbed of their only peaceful time? I wonder if my entire life has been set up for something miraculous just before the end, or just a set up? Is all this torment for my eventual good, or will I just die a pathetic creature with a lot of wasted potential and a legacy left behind for someone else to learn from? Will this blog ever reach anyone? Does anyone even read it? No one ever comments. No donations are made. I read these articles of Joe Schmoes who took a risk and put everything out there and their blogs just blew up with fans and readers and people who care. I have never once done anything in order to get rich, but it would be nice to know that my thoughts and feelings are just screams from my heart that echo as whispers into nothingness. It would be a miracle to know that I matter in this world.That there is a chance my pathetic life could touch or entertain people enough to make a difference in their own lives. I want to matter.

     I don't want to walk alone in the dark anymore.

Tuesday, January 15, 2013

Cry to the Heavens

How do these 3 remain- faith,hope and love?
How do you have the faith to continue hoping( or is it how do you hope to continue having faith?) when love has scorned you? How do you not just stop believing in all things good and hopeful, when love doesn't remember you anymore, when love forgets everything you have been put through and endured and sacrificed for it? How do you keep your heart- the very wellspring of your life- from being swallowed up by hatred and malice and letting it freeze over rock hard so that nothing and no one can ever break it again?
God, I don't understand. I don't understand why You allowed me to go through the things I've gone through. Why when I prayed for a father( because my own didn't want me) did You bring a verbally abusive alcoholic into my life to be the representation of what a father is to his children?Why did You take my perfect loving little family of 4 and rip 2 of the most loving people away from me within a mere 5 days? Why was I left to raise myself?
Why, when I saved myself for all those years for that one deserving man(that I was taught to pray for from toddler hood) did You send me a man that already had mentally known hundreds-possibly thousands- of women already? You know how much I've hated my body, my very exterior. How could anyone love me for who I truly am, and not just what I look like? Why did You send me a liar who kept lying to me from the moment he met me; a man, who stood before You and all our friends and all our family and swore vows of allegiance and loyalty to only me in front of You--only to find those vows never meant a thing. Those vows that were so easily pushed aside and forgotten for a stranger who had no intentions of guarding his heart the way I did? Why did You allow his lies to go on, protected and hidden for years, through sickness and health and 3 more innocent lives and family vacations and tears and death?
I want to know why I searched for help and help wasn't found.I cried out for healing and I remained broken. I fought for my marriage and fought for our life and was struck down with a disease that will eventually rear its silent head again and may rob my sight, or my mobility or my life. Why!? Why, when I sought solitude and peace I found nothing but more pain and scandal? Why did You eventually send me exactly what I've prayed to You for my whole life, but I'm still not allowed to claim it? 
Jesus, why have I been painted as the bad guy, the quitter and the Unfaithful One? Why did You allow someone I trusted and counseled as they counseled me to destroy my entire life's work at building up a good name and a golden reputation? Why do people hate me? Why do people lie about me? Why is there such seething, burning contempt for me? 
JESUS- WHAT HAVE I DONE TO DESERVE ALL THIS PAIN? Why won't You let it end?Why can't I find rest anywhere? How could You send another who has taught me what love truly is- strong, long-suffering, faithful, honest,kind,patient and forgiving- instill all these amazing Heaven sent qualities that can only come from You , giving him eyes only for me....and we can never be together? Why is it that he can endure nearly everything life has thrown at him and us, but he won't even give the future a chance? What are we fighting for? What am I fighting for? Why am I even here?
Father- I can't do this anymore. You said You would never leave or forsake me and that's exactly how I feel. Like every smiling face I see masks hissing lies and encouraging words are oozed out just to find a way to gain access to my pain  so that they can twist it up and tear me apart later. I don't ask for the finer things in life or the impossible extravagant materials of this world. Daddy, I just want to be loved. I want to finish this race with someone beside me. I want to finally find my purpose and my worth. I wanna stop hating those who hate me and feeling like I'm on the ground being kicked and spat upon. Psalm 119:25: My soul clings to the dust- revive me according to your Word. Remind me who I am. Let me feel You again. Please, bring back my hope. I feel like I have no reason to be here- no purpose in this life other than to make others look and feel better than they should. My existence is to be a rug to have people's feet wiped upon me. I am mocked and scorned- I am a cosmic joke. Renew my faith for when my eyes fail me. Allow me to see what is there but can't be seen.Love me again. Regardless of my mistakes, through all of my sorrow and weakness and failures..please don't ever stop loving me. Please don't let me go.
Father God, In Jesus Name....
just hold me.

Thursday, January 10, 2013

My Life in a Snow Globe

     I'm beginning to re-grasp the understanding of Faith, walking by it and just how foolish and absurd those who do so look to the rest of the World. Walking by faith and not by sight (2 Corinthians 5:7) comes as completely stupid and delusional to those who are used to planning, organizing and taking great care to do everything in their proper order. 
     By no means am I knocking this way of thinking. In fact, I pretty much relish it. I have always prided myself in being very orderly and organized, but that's just it- I prided myself. Walking by faith usually comes when God decides to shake up your life a bit, and remind you that He is still Lord, not you- that it is by His Spirit and not your power, your might or your doing that all good things come to you. There are few things more troubling in this life than when things are going great, the blessings are flowing and you ignorantly take it for granted or even worse, you take the credit for it. I was guilty of the first. 
     Life hasn't always been easy for me;who am I kidding? Life has NEVER been easy for me,lol.But I have had moments of ease and days where blessings just never seemed to cease. Maybe I got lazy. Maybe I got entitled. I don't know, but either way, as thankful as I was I expected troubles, in those fleeting happy moments, to stay gone and become foreign to me. I got...complacent.

Definition of COMPLACENT

: marked by self-satisfaction especially when accompanied by unawareness of actual dangers or deficiencies.
     I began to take my blessings and God's ability to give and take away for granted. I definitely got lazy in my spirit- and then all you-know-what broke loose.The Bible says that the complacency of fools will destroy them (Proverbs 1:32). I'm not saying that everything heartbreaking that has happened to me in the past few years has been all my fault. Far from it; but where I can clearly blame others for the physical and emotional things they have done to cause this, I was the spiritual head of my home and I let my watch fall. So I am just as responsible and that burns in my heart to say it.
     But what the Devil meant for evil, God has turned around for good. (Genesis 50:20) I praise God that I serve a Master who sees me screw up constantly and patiently  turns me back around to face the right direction and continues to bless me along that path; that though He hears every agonizing cry and raging rant about my feeling left, deserted and forsaken- He forgives, He teaches and He continues to bless me. 
     We have not had an income since May 2012. Jobs have been near impossible to find. But God has been faithful. For the first time I've had to choose which bills were of the most important to pay (mortgage,electricity) and which to let lapse (Tv cancelled, life insurance late). But God has been faithful. I have felt more fear about the uncertainty of my future, more regret over my past decisions and more sorrow over my current conditions than I have ever felt. But God has been faithful. When I finally stopped reeling out of control emotionally, got myself together and got to that place where you just have to say "Though He slay me, yet will I trust Him" I wrote that deeply personal and heartfelt prayer from December 29th. The next day, I'm telling you- He began to open financial doors. Items began selling, one after another on my eBay site, distant friends and new acquaintances began giving financial gifts, I was given the opportunity( of which there are no words) to prevent an acquaintance from taking their own life and in return have gained a new friend and they have gained a new found desire for life.
      I'm not completely at a place of peace yet, but I'm slowly getting there. Where there was only fear and darkness, and the lies that circled me caused my very existence such there is the slightest glimmer of hope. I am beginning to see so many things that I have prayed for slowly (not without trials and opposition of course) coming to fruition. Walking by faith doesn't mean you know that everything will go back to normal and be honky dory. In fact, many times things will never be as they were. It's like we have become living snow globes- yes, you can see the picture when the glitter and snow stays on the ground, but that's not why we love snow globes, is it? We love them for the beauty of the chaos of shaking them up, watching the glittery snow whirl around the scene and finally, gently fall back into a new orderly place. 
     I am learning that we can never grow and and have a testimony if we are continuously looking back with sorrow and regret. We were never meant to stay in one place, but to keep moving forward- no matter what, even if we can't see...we walk. 
By faith. Not by sight.