Thursday, January 31, 2013

Nightly Ponder

I have no idea where to begin.

      I just spent the better part of the night watching old shows that I grew up on, laughing and talking with someone I love dearly. But then the silence came- that silence that I crave all day long. Through the thumping of doors slamming shut and children's calls to each other from room to room, the worry of near empty bank accounts being squeezed of every last penny to appease the bill people , the pouring rain that has overtaken the forecasted sunny day...through all of the chaos and frustration and playtime and teachings I crave this silence; now that it's here, it scares me.

     I'm not sure I like it, especially when I'm the only one awake. I take my sleepy toddler by the hand and guide her back to her warm well blanketed bed, and it feels so good to have someone holding my hand in the darkness. Most nights, I am up and down correcting overwound children, or the ones with the bad dreams or who saw the scary shadows. It is during these times that I hear the silence. The faint snore coming from a distant bedroom; the rush of the wind outside like a train whizzing by; the whimper of our dogs twitching on the couch, dreaming of endless outdoor play. But it is also during these times that the reality of what is my reality hits me like a smack in the face and it doesn't matter that I was laughing and reminiscing just a few hours earlier- I am immediately pulled towards fear and the tears overtake me. It is in this darkness and silence that I see and feel in the physical world exactly what I cannot see but still feel in the spiritual one. 

     I used to feel as though I was so on track with the Lord and I resented my angelic reputation. I hated that the people I just wanted to simply talk to and get to know never wanted to give me a second thought or just a chance at a real friendship because they assumed I would look down from my pedestal at them and make them feel the way I feel people make me feel now. The saddest part is, I never would have. That is not who I am, and I never gave that indication.

     Now I'm stumbling around in darkness, crying out for my Father to hear me, to answer my call, to give me some guidance and direction. I know it is evil to ask for signs, but how else can I really know that something is from the Lord and not the Devil appearing as an Angel of Light? How do I know that everything that I was taught before wasn't wrong or askew or a mistake- based on generational misinformation? The only thing that I cling to is the Word, and even that has been twisted and misinterpreted a thousand ways by both well meaning and evil pastors and elders.I don't want to fall away- not now, not when the end is so very close. It's not fair, that if I was going the right way throughout the race that now I get lost and   lose my sense of direction.My soul can't afford to to be lost.

     And even now, in this evil physical realm I am forced to face utter failure. Fears that I have never once worried about have become my daily torment.There is no money. There is no way to provide for myself and my children without the help that isn't there. There is no emotional comfort- just daily spits in the face, so to speak. Things I craved and begged and asked for-humiliated at having to grovel for- are so freely given to another who has not had to endure what I have, who has not been put through the humiliation I have and who has not been there time and again and again forgiving and being let down in a vicious self destructive cycle. I watch my children try so desperately to get what should just be an honour to give to them, and now I have to dispense it twice as much to fill the void.The fact of the matter is, now I have to continue on in this world with no support or security by my side while others get to go and play like they are air-headed teenagers again.While they put in their paid allotted 8 hours and come home to video games and private giddy phone calls, I put in my thankless,never ending 24 hours of educating, and meal planning and budgeting and bill paying, and smooth talking debtors and fears, and 3am nightmares and 4am potty runs and checking measly online auctions praying to God another memory I have put up for sale has been bought by a stranger so that I can make ends meet and squirrel away for an uncertain and frighteningly lonely  future.

    So there I sit, by my window on the floor looking out at the darkened town. I wonder how many people in the houses that I am looking at are sleeping soundly and how many feel the way I do right now and are being robbed of their only peaceful time? I wonder if my entire life has been set up for something miraculous just before the end, or just a set up? Is all this torment for my eventual good, or will I just die a pathetic creature with a lot of wasted potential and a legacy left behind for someone else to learn from? Will this blog ever reach anyone? Does anyone even read it? No one ever comments. No donations are made. I read these articles of Joe Schmoes who took a risk and put everything out there and their blogs just blew up with fans and readers and people who care. I have never once done anything in order to get rich, but it would be nice to know that my thoughts and feelings are just screams from my heart that echo as whispers into nothingness. It would be a miracle to know that I matter in this world.That there is a chance my pathetic life could touch or entertain people enough to make a difference in their own lives. I want to matter.

     I don't want to walk alone in the dark anymore.

Tuesday, January 15, 2013

Cry to the Heavens

How do these 3 remain- faith,hope and love?
How do you have the faith to continue hoping( or is it how do you hope to continue having faith?) when love has scorned you? How do you not just stop believing in all things good and hopeful, when love doesn't remember you anymore, when love forgets everything you have been put through and endured and sacrificed for it? How do you keep your heart- the very wellspring of your life- from being swallowed up by hatred and malice and letting it freeze over rock hard so that nothing and no one can ever break it again?
God, I don't understand. I don't understand why You allowed me to go through the things I've gone through. Why when I prayed for a father( because my own didn't want me) did You bring a verbally abusive alcoholic into my life to be the representation of what a father is to his children?Why did You take my perfect loving little family of 4 and rip 2 of the most loving people away from me within a mere 5 days? Why was I left to raise myself?
Why, when I saved myself for all those years for that one deserving man(that I was taught to pray for from toddler hood) did You send me a man that already had mentally known hundreds-possibly thousands- of women already? You know how much I've hated my body, my very exterior. How could anyone love me for who I truly am, and not just what I look like? Why did You send me a liar who kept lying to me from the moment he met me; a man, who stood before You and all our friends and all our family and swore vows of allegiance and loyalty to only me in front of You--only to find those vows never meant a thing. Those vows that were so easily pushed aside and forgotten for a stranger who had no intentions of guarding his heart the way I did? Why did You allow his lies to go on, protected and hidden for years, through sickness and health and 3 more innocent lives and family vacations and tears and death?
I want to know why I searched for help and help wasn't found.I cried out for healing and I remained broken. I fought for my marriage and fought for our life and was struck down with a disease that will eventually rear its silent head again and may rob my sight, or my mobility or my life. Why!? Why, when I sought solitude and peace I found nothing but more pain and scandal? Why did You eventually send me exactly what I've prayed to You for my whole life, but I'm still not allowed to claim it? 
Jesus, why have I been painted as the bad guy, the quitter and the Unfaithful One? Why did You allow someone I trusted and counseled as they counseled me to destroy my entire life's work at building up a good name and a golden reputation? Why do people hate me? Why do people lie about me? Why is there such seething, burning contempt for me? 
JESUS- WHAT HAVE I DONE TO DESERVE ALL THIS PAIN? Why won't You let it end?Why can't I find rest anywhere? How could You send another who has taught me what love truly is- strong, long-suffering, faithful, honest,kind,patient and forgiving- instill all these amazing Heaven sent qualities that can only come from You , giving him eyes only for me....and we can never be together? Why is it that he can endure nearly everything life has thrown at him and us, but he won't even give the future a chance? What are we fighting for? What am I fighting for? Why am I even here?
Father- I can't do this anymore. You said You would never leave or forsake me and that's exactly how I feel. Like every smiling face I see masks hissing lies and encouraging words are oozed out just to find a way to gain access to my pain  so that they can twist it up and tear me apart later. I don't ask for the finer things in life or the impossible extravagant materials of this world. Daddy, I just want to be loved. I want to finish this race with someone beside me. I want to finally find my purpose and my worth. I wanna stop hating those who hate me and feeling like I'm on the ground being kicked and spat upon. Psalm 119:25: My soul clings to the dust- revive me according to your Word. Remind me who I am. Let me feel You again. Please, bring back my hope. I feel like I have no reason to be here- no purpose in this life other than to make others look and feel better than they should. My existence is to be a rug to have people's feet wiped upon me. I am mocked and scorned- I am a cosmic joke. Renew my faith for when my eyes fail me. Allow me to see what is there but can't be seen.Love me again. Regardless of my mistakes, through all of my sorrow and weakness and failures..please don't ever stop loving me. Please don't let me go.
Father God, In Jesus Name....
just hold me.

Thursday, January 10, 2013

My Life in a Snow Globe

     I'm beginning to re-grasp the understanding of Faith, walking by it and just how foolish and absurd those who do so look to the rest of the World. Walking by faith and not by sight (2 Corinthians 5:7) comes as completely stupid and delusional to those who are used to planning, organizing and taking great care to do everything in their proper order. 
     By no means am I knocking this way of thinking. In fact, I pretty much relish it. I have always prided myself in being very orderly and organized, but that's just it- I prided myself. Walking by faith usually comes when God decides to shake up your life a bit, and remind you that He is still Lord, not you- that it is by His Spirit and not your power, your might or your doing that all good things come to you. There are few things more troubling in this life than when things are going great, the blessings are flowing and you ignorantly take it for granted or even worse, you take the credit for it. I was guilty of the first. 
     Life hasn't always been easy for me;who am I kidding? Life has NEVER been easy for me,lol.But I have had moments of ease and days where blessings just never seemed to cease. Maybe I got lazy. Maybe I got entitled. I don't know, but either way, as thankful as I was I expected troubles, in those fleeting happy moments, to stay gone and become foreign to me. I got...complacent.

Definition of COMPLACENT

: marked by self-satisfaction especially when accompanied by unawareness of actual dangers or deficiencies.
     I began to take my blessings and God's ability to give and take away for granted. I definitely got lazy in my spirit- and then all you-know-what broke loose.The Bible says that the complacency of fools will destroy them (Proverbs 1:32). I'm not saying that everything heartbreaking that has happened to me in the past few years has been all my fault. Far from it; but where I can clearly blame others for the physical and emotional things they have done to cause this, I was the spiritual head of my home and I let my watch fall. So I am just as responsible and that burns in my heart to say it.
     But what the Devil meant for evil, God has turned around for good. (Genesis 50:20) I praise God that I serve a Master who sees me screw up constantly and patiently  turns me back around to face the right direction and continues to bless me along that path; that though He hears every agonizing cry and raging rant about my feeling left, deserted and forsaken- He forgives, He teaches and He continues to bless me. 
     We have not had an income since May 2012. Jobs have been near impossible to find. But God has been faithful. For the first time I've had to choose which bills were of the most important to pay (mortgage,electricity) and which to let lapse (Tv cancelled, life insurance late). But God has been faithful. I have felt more fear about the uncertainty of my future, more regret over my past decisions and more sorrow over my current conditions than I have ever felt. But God has been faithful. When I finally stopped reeling out of control emotionally, got myself together and got to that place where you just have to say "Though He slay me, yet will I trust Him" I wrote that deeply personal and heartfelt prayer from December 29th. The next day, I'm telling you- He began to open financial doors. Items began selling, one after another on my eBay site, distant friends and new acquaintances began giving financial gifts, I was given the opportunity( of which there are no words) to prevent an acquaintance from taking their own life and in return have gained a new friend and they have gained a new found desire for life.
      I'm not completely at a place of peace yet, but I'm slowly getting there. Where there was only fear and darkness, and the lies that circled me caused my very existence such there is the slightest glimmer of hope. I am beginning to see so many things that I have prayed for slowly (not without trials and opposition of course) coming to fruition. Walking by faith doesn't mean you know that everything will go back to normal and be honky dory. In fact, many times things will never be as they were. It's like we have become living snow globes- yes, you can see the picture when the glitter and snow stays on the ground, but that's not why we love snow globes, is it? We love them for the beauty of the chaos of shaking them up, watching the glittery snow whirl around the scene and finally, gently fall back into a new orderly place. 
     I am learning that we can never grow and and have a testimony if we are continuously looking back with sorrow and regret. We were never meant to stay in one place, but to keep moving forward- no matter what, even if we can't see...we walk. 
By faith. Not by sight.