You have released me from my torment
sent me soaring to places I've never found
Then in an instant it all changes
as you yank me back down.
Sometimes I swear you do it just so you can control
one last shred of your life
that you can choose to hold or let go.
You know that you own me, from day one
I was a fool
I let you know too much too soon,well played
you were cool.
You played your hands but always keep that Ace
meanwhile I betrayed all my thoughts and hands
on my face.
They say I'm cold,distant and cruel and I wish I had become
that way,
the very fact that I'm not has proven what they say.
I've never been here before and I don't know this road.
I've heard of it in nightmares from others who have told
of broken promises and lies and half committed hearts
and how talks of forever tear braided cords apart.
Now all I long for is the boisterous solitude
of a mundane life taken for granted
surrounded by my brood.
So I'm having a hard time this week, and trying desperately not to complain (too much at least) about it. Somewhere along the line, my stay at home status seems to have earned me the right to have to deal with people assumiong that I have no desire to work and just want a man to take care of me. You know, the whole Peg Bundy bonbon eater thing. This couldn't be further from the truth. I actually loved working when I actually did it for a paycheck. I have been a waitress in an upscale Victorian tearoom (LOVED IT!) and I have taken care of mentally disabled residents in several group homes (that could be a challenge, but also real fun) and then there was my last and most recent job of educating mother's and fathers...an the community.... on breastfeeding and the benefits of it.That one was darn near my favorite one thus far. It was a desk job, and although I'm more comfortable up and moving around, the desk did give an air of importance that I've never felt before.
Well, I'm beginning to realize the ability to work and actually generate a sustainable income while being at home for my children is becoming darn near impossible. And not from a lack of trying have I learned this. I have been and continue to sell items and services on Craigslist and eBay and Fiverr but responses are few and far between, as are people's interest. I want to be here for my children not so that I can sit around watching TV( don't have TV-I actually cancelled it to save money and because, let's be honest, is there really anything on it worth subjecting our children to anymore???) but so that i can continue being their teacher, full time parent and support. I hope this doesn't open up a can of dump on Maria, because I don't have an evil thing to say about working mothers. I was the child of a single working mother for years, and I have NOTHING but the utmost respect and awe of them and how they juggle EVERYTHING without cracking.
But I need a job, and I need one, like, yesterday. I have filled out so many applications it was like a rendition of This is your Life for me for a while. I actually loathe applications now. I find ads on Craigslist and in the paper, but most are scams or dead ends with no leads. I don't know. This is partially the reason I attempted the fast the other day. I seriously need guidance from the Lord. I need hope. I have no problem at all admitting that I am a stupid human being who has no business trying to make her own decisions for her life. I have too many people counting on me and I can't afford to fail. The only the way that that is to going to happen is if God leads me where and how I should go.
This skinny depiction of Jesus has always annoyed me to no end. Where people got the idea that He was this wimpy,whiny effeminate guy I have no idea. I mean, he was a carpenter in the beginning of His life. Have you seen what the world's idea of carpenters are? :
Clearly, He was no wimp. And He also fished with his disciples and helped them haul up a net so full of fish that it began to break. That takes some serious strength!
And even His death; any regular man-let alone the wussy version of Jesus- would have died simply from the beatings He took, but Jesus survived the beatings, the crown of thorns, the lack of sleep and hunger/dehydration that came with the Crucifixion. Personally, I think it was the suffocation that finally ended Him up there.
This past Friday, I learned firsthand how strong and tough my Lord is when I attempted my first no eat fast.
I have done different variations of fasting before- all very hard, but extremely beneficial and spiritually amazing. The first 3 days have always been the hardest. I've done the 30 hour famine my sophomore year in high school, the fasting from TV for a week as a senior in high school and the Daniel's Fast for 11 days 2 years ago (that was unbelievable!) But things in my life right now have been so painful, so confusing and so seemingly left-to-chance that I have been praying nonstop for answers and direction from the Lord, but with no seeming answers in sight. Some days it seems like there is no hope and I'm am terrified. Other days there are nothing but options upon option but everythig hinges on something else that hinges on something else. It's an insane domino effect. It's like when we were trying to buy the house here in WV. We needed a job here to get approved for a loan, but we needed a home with an address to be able to get work. See tat vicious cycle? That's kinda where I am now.
So the other night I woke up around 4:30am from a terrifying nightmare. I have always had this reoccurring dream that this monstrous wave is building on the crest of the sea a few houses down from where we used to live in NJ and just before it breaks, I rush inside and cover my children and hold them tight and cry and pray. We can hear the roar of the waves covering the house and glimpses at the window reveal dead bodies, cars and debris floating by or submerged. It's a horrifying sight, but somehow, we are always ok.
This time my dream happened much like all the other times, except for the fact that the wave crashed through that big bay window, glass shattering all around us and my children are screaming. I see the wide eyed terror on 4 little faces, my youngest screaming for me to help her as her curly head disappears beneath the rising water. I'm alone, one child drowning, one swimming toward me, one clinging to me choking and my only son is missing.
And I am alone.
There is no one there to help me reach my babies, and I have to try and choose, split second, which to save and which to leave in God's hands. The grief is literally breaking my heart as I awake sobbing and shaking.
I realized in that moment that I HAVE GOT to get God's attention and decided to fast. No food, for at least 7 days or until He answered me. I wrote down my top 3 questions and the signs I requested (kinda like Gideon did) to verify what the Lord wanted me to do and tucked the little paper away in my Bible.
The first hour or so, for whatever reason my stomach was in knots and I as i prayed I got hungrier and hungrier. Then after a bit, it just stopped. I made it all day without really telling anyone, but by 10 pm I was so weak. My head was throbbing and I just fell asleep to my oldest child petting my head. I awoke around 5am Saturday more in the worst shape then I have ever been in. Dizzy, nauseous, pounding migraine, weak and slurring my words( at least it felt like I was) I tried to sit up and drink some lemon water, but it just made me feel sicker. Sobbing, I stumbled downstairs and out to the kitchen where I drank some grape juice and nibbled on slice of bread. By the time i got upstairs I thought I was dying and passed out in bed. i haven't felt that weak and flimsy since S was born.
I woke up late yesterday and just felt so pathetic. I couldn't believe that I had given in to my flesh so easily- and when I had so many important things to get answered. I am still loathing myself, and even though I know God hears me and knows my heart, I feel like I just proved to Him why He shouldn't take my prayers seriously.
Jesus was no joke. He was no wimp. That man went 40days and nights in the wilderness without a thing to eat or drink. Yes, He is God, but He was also man and lived for 33 years in a flesh and blood shell that felt everything we feel. He went that long with 0 sustenance, was tempted with power and riches and the chance to give in and eat and could still have the strength and presence of mind to quote Scripture back and do warfare with the Devil. I love how Matthew 4:11 says the Devil left him, and angels came and ministered to him. I wonder if that means they fed Him, or ministered to His exhausted spirit?
At any rate, I have resolved to try and do the Daniel's Fast again. At least I am seriously thinking about it. I don't think I am strong enough to go without eating ANYTHING, but I don't want to let that get in the way of hearing my Father again. I need answers, ones that only He can give.
