Saturday, December 29, 2012
" While Jesus was here on earth, he offered prayers and pleadings, with a loud cry and tears, to the one who could rescue him from death. And God heard his prayers because of his deep reverence for God."
I want to start out by apologizing. I want to humbly ask your forgiveness for every sinful thing I have done/said/thought based on this immense pain in my life. Even if the sin was unintentional or unknown at any time, I still ask your forgiveness. There is never any excuse for unrepentant sinning. I ask that you remove the consuming anger I have towards those who continue to hurt me and drag my reputation through the mud. Please restore me from having a heart of stone towards some to a heart of flesh towards all. I realize that this means I will continue to feel the sting of rejection and others' pain at times as they lash out at me in their own suffering. Allow my life to be an example,once again, of your never ending love and patience towards an undeserving world. Please cleanse my heart and mind and renew a right spirit within me.
Jesus I ask that you please cover my children and all who sleep under my roof at any given point with your protecting hand. Cover them with your wing, as a mother bird shelters her fledglings from the storm. Please let my house, no matter where it may be, be a home and feel as such to all who enter it.
God, I know you have seen my suffering.I never questioned where you were in the past- you were always there with me, just as you are with me now and are already with me in the future. Please take away these unbearable and incessant feelings of fear( of what the future holds and what I cannot control), loneliness, depression, heartache,shock and brokeness. God, please restore my peaceful sleep again. Reverse this horrible insomnia that is eating away at my health and whatever shred of peace I am blessed with in my nightly state of unconsciousness. Grant me strength in my body again and protect me from myself. From eating unhealthily, from thoughts of committing crimes of irreversible damage to the temple you have designated to be my body for the time being.
Jesus I'm suffering so much right now. My soul feels like it is dying everyday. I have never felt the weight of my own tears so strongly as they thud rapidly against my hands and run down to the desk into a cooled puddle. It actually startles me. They flow so freely and from such a sense of agony from somewhere within me, it's like what I'm going through and what I know to be the causes of this pain aren't even scratching the surface; it's as if my tears come from a secret reservoir of despair that even I don't know existed. Then again, maybe they just come from almost 2 decades of trying to be strong and carry on in my own strength. Maybe my soul is just plain...weary.
Jesus, I don't know what has happened to the life that I thought was safe and normal. You do. I don't know how I have gotten here to this point.You do. I don't know where I'll be in the future, who, if any, will be standing by my side supporting and loving me.You do.Please let this be enough for me- to know that You do, and You are already there. Let me never be swayed, or give up living this Christian Life.It is SO hard. I am judged not just by the unsaved, but by those who claim to be Yours- and these judgments cut so much further in me....
I praise you for being God. Against this awkward feeling of trying to give thanks when I can't see a thing to be grateful or happy for, I praise you. I praise you for having my life planned out and and I ask you to open my eyes to see and recognize the angels and guides you send into my life that are there to nudge me in the correct narrow direction.Please be with me in all my decisions,actions and words.Guide me as I try to guide my children. Keep us all safe from harm and please don't let my past mistakes and sins affect,scar or sway my babies from the Way Everlasting.
In Jesus' Name.