I'm beginning to re-grasp the understanding of Faith, walking by it and just how foolish and absurd those who do so look to the rest of the World. Walking by faith and not by sight (2 Corinthians 5:7) comes as completely stupid and delusional to those who are used to planning, organizing and taking great care to do everything in their proper order.
By no means am I knocking this way of thinking. In fact, I pretty much relish it. I have always prided myself in being very orderly and organized, but that's just it- I prided myself. Walking by faith usually comes when God decides to shake up your life a bit, and remind you that He is still Lord, not you- that it is by His Spirit and not your power, your might or your doing that all good things come to you. There are few things more troubling in this life than when things are going great, the blessings are flowing and you ignorantly take it for granted or even worse, you take the credit for it. I was guilty of the first.
Life hasn't always been easy for me;who am I kidding? Life has NEVER been easy for me,lol.But I have had moments of ease and days where blessings just never seemed to cease. Maybe I got lazy. Maybe I got entitled. I don't know, but either way, as thankful as I was I expected troubles, in those fleeting happy moments, to stay gone and become foreign to me. I got...complacent.
Definition of COMPLACENT
1: marked by self-satisfaction especially when accompanied by unawareness of actual dangers or deficiencies.
I began to take my blessings and God's ability to give and take away for granted. I definitely got lazy in my spirit- and then all you-know-what broke loose.The Bible says that the complacency of fools will destroy them (Proverbs 1:32). I'm not saying that everything heartbreaking that has happened to me in the past few years has been all my fault. Far from it; but where I can clearly blame others for the physical and emotional things they have done to cause this, I was the spiritual head of my home and I let my watch fall. So I am just as responsible and that burns in my heart to say it.
But what the Devil meant for evil, God has turned around for good. (Genesis 50:20) I praise God that I serve a Master who sees me screw up constantly and patiently turns me back around to face the right direction and continues to bless me along that path; that though He hears every agonizing cry and raging rant about my feeling left, deserted and forsaken- He forgives, He teaches and He continues to bless me.
We have not had an income since May 2012. Jobs have been near impossible to find. But God has been faithful. For the first time I've had to choose which bills were of the most important to pay (mortgage,electricity) and which to let lapse (Tv cancelled, life insurance late). But God has been faithful. I have felt more fear about the uncertainty of my future, more regret over my past decisions and more sorrow over my current conditions than I have ever felt. But God has been faithful. When I finally stopped reeling out of control emotionally, got myself together and got to that place where you just have to say "Though He slay me, yet will I trust Him" I wrote that deeply personal and heartfelt prayer from December 29th. The next day, I'm telling you- He began to open financial doors. Items began selling, one after another on my eBay site, distant friends and new acquaintances began giving financial gifts, I was given the opportunity( of which there are no words) to prevent an acquaintance from taking their own life and in return have gained a new friend and they have gained a new found desire for life.
I'm not completely at a place of peace yet, but I'm slowly getting there. Where there was only fear and darkness, and the lies that circled me caused my very existence such agony...now there is the slightest glimmer of hope. I am beginning to see so many things that I have prayed for slowly (not without trials and opposition of course) coming to fruition. Walking by faith doesn't mean you know that everything will go back to normal and be honky dory. In fact, many times things will never be as they were. It's like we have become living snow globes- yes, you can see the picture when the glitter and snow stays on the ground, but that's not why we love snow globes, is it? We love them for the beauty of the chaos of shaking them up, watching the glittery snow whirl around the scene and finally, gently fall back into a new orderly place.
I am learning that we can never grow and and have a testimony if we are continuously looking back with sorrow and regret. We were never meant to stay in one place, but to keep moving forward- no matter what, even if we can't see...we walk.
By faith. Not by sight.