Tuesday, January 15, 2013

Cry to the Heavens

How do these 3 remain- faith,hope and love?
How do you have the faith to continue hoping( or is it how do you hope to continue having faith?) when love has scorned you? How do you not just stop believing in all things good and hopeful, when love doesn't remember you anymore, when love forgets everything you have been put through and endured and sacrificed for it? How do you keep your heart- the very wellspring of your life- from being swallowed up by hatred and malice and letting it freeze over rock hard so that nothing and no one can ever break it again?
God, I don't understand. I don't understand why You allowed me to go through the things I've gone through. Why when I prayed for a father( because my own didn't want me) did You bring a verbally abusive alcoholic into my life to be the representation of what a father is to his children?Why did You take my perfect loving little family of 4 and rip 2 of the most loving people away from me within a mere 5 days? Why was I left to raise myself?
Why, when I saved myself for all those years for that one deserving man(that I was taught to pray for from toddler hood) did You send me a man that already had mentally known hundreds-possibly thousands- of women already? You know how much I've hated my body, my very exterior. How could anyone love me for who I truly am, and not just what I look like? Why did You send me a liar who kept lying to me from the moment he met me; a man, who stood before You and all our friends and all our family and swore vows of allegiance and loyalty to only me in front of You--only to find those vows never meant a thing. Those vows that were so easily pushed aside and forgotten for a stranger who had no intentions of guarding his heart the way I did? Why did You allow his lies to go on, protected and hidden for years, through sickness and health and 3 more innocent lives and family vacations and tears and death?
I want to know why I searched for help and help wasn't found.I cried out for healing and I remained broken. I fought for my marriage and fought for our life and was struck down with a disease that will eventually rear its silent head again and may rob my sight, or my mobility or my life. Why!? Why, when I sought solitude and peace I found nothing but more pain and scandal? Why did You eventually send me exactly what I've prayed to You for my whole life, but I'm still not allowed to claim it? 
Jesus, why have I been painted as the bad guy, the quitter and the Unfaithful One? Why did You allow someone I trusted and counseled as they counseled me to destroy my entire life's work at building up a good name and a golden reputation? Why do people hate me? Why do people lie about me? Why is there such seething, burning contempt for me? 
JESUS- WHAT HAVE I DONE TO DESERVE ALL THIS PAIN? Why won't You let it end?Why can't I find rest anywhere? How could You send another who has taught me what love truly is- strong, long-suffering, faithful, honest,kind,patient and forgiving- instill all these amazing Heaven sent qualities that can only come from You , giving him eyes only for me....and we can never be together? Why is it that he can endure nearly everything life has thrown at him and us, but he won't even give the future a chance? What are we fighting for? What am I fighting for? Why am I even here?
Father- I can't do this anymore. You said You would never leave or forsake me and that's exactly how I feel. Like every smiling face I see masks hissing lies and encouraging words are oozed out just to find a way to gain access to my pain  so that they can twist it up and tear me apart later. I don't ask for the finer things in life or the impossible extravagant materials of this world. Daddy, I just want to be loved. I want to finish this race with someone beside me. I want to finally find my purpose and my worth. I wanna stop hating those who hate me and feeling like I'm on the ground being kicked and spat upon. Psalm 119:25: My soul clings to the dust- revive me according to your Word. Remind me who I am. Let me feel You again. Please, bring back my hope. I feel like I have no reason to be here- no purpose in this life other than to make others look and feel better than they should. My existence is to be a rug to have people's feet wiped upon me. I am mocked and scorned- I am a cosmic joke. Renew my faith for when my eyes fail me. Allow me to see what is there but can't be seen.Love me again. Regardless of my mistakes, through all of my sorrow and weakness and failures..please don't ever stop loving me. Please don't let me go.
Father God, In Jesus Name....
just hold me.

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